It Only Hurts Worse to Fight It

One of the greatest lessons I've learned is that true change can only be accomplished once you've acknowledged that the actions of your past were wrong. Once you can admit personal defeat and you've learned to be humble, then you can truly begin to conceptually change yourself for the better. Last night, I had an argument with my dad that really hurt my feelings. I'm not going to go in to any depth in regards to the topic of conversation, but at the end of the conversation, I was crushed spiritually and emotionally. It wasn't so much about the words that were exchanged, but I felt taken advantage of.



There once was a time when I didn't know how to listen. It was my way, or the highway. I allowed myself to be consumed by my anger, and there was no way to talk me out of how I was feeling. I don't admit to being a perfect person, but I admit to being a humble person who tries to not miss out an opportunity to listen and learn about myself and others. Yesterday, I was confronted by a lot of old feelings that I have worked to overcome. I felt defeated, I felt bitter, but worst of all I felt like I wasn't good enough. For the first time in a while, I tried to do something that doesn't come naturally, which is to listen. But instead of being seen for my efforts to be what not many people have been to him, and instead of being grateful and really accepting what I was offering, I was emotionally beaten. But the worst part, is it wasn't a fair fight. I didn't result to calling names. I didn't result to exploiting already sensitive areas. I just listened. I tried to explain my feelings. I tried not to yell. I tried to acknowledge and affirm. But instead of these things being reciprocated, I was pretty much told you're efforts are futile, it's just not good enough.



One of my biggest battles has been allowing myself to acknowledge that I am good enough and that I am worthy of the many great things that life can provide to me. But to me it's not about the material things that the world has to offer, but about the love and unseen things that can provide happiness in our lives. I still appreciate the lessons that my father has taught me. I am grateful that I was able to grow up comfortably to where I was able to experience a lot of amazing things. I am grateful that I was allowed to see where hard work and dedication can lead. I am happy that I had him there to be a support system within my many extra curricular activities. I will never take away from him those things that were provided and for those things, I dare say he was a good father. But unfortunately there are so many other things that tend to cloud this perception. Despite everything that I was provided that I could see, it's the things I didn't see that shaped who I would be in my heart and how I would perceive myself.



I stand today a better person as a result of the lessons I have learned thanks to having wonderful family and friends in my life. As much as I want to be angry and try to issue justice by my own hands, I have to realize that it is not up to me offer any punishment. It's not up to me to try to "make him 'get it'". I am a firm believer that when people hurt others, the "punishment" that can be provided by my hands is nothing compared to what God has in store. The way you treat others will be reciprocated in due time. But if in my life time he never gets it, there's nothing I could do to fix him and there's nothing I could say to make him get it. What I do know is that I am no longer in the emotional trap of disappointment and anger I've always found myself in when it comes to healing his and my relationship. I will continue to love my father. I'm not going to continue to carry the emotional burden of trying to convince him or anyone else for that matter that I meet someone else's standards. I will only continue to grow from each adverse situation in which I find myself. One thing that he did say in which I agree with is that we cannot hold on to the past and we have to move on. After today, I'm going to let go of this situation. I'm going to forgive him for the way he made me feel last night. Regardless of if he feels he had any part in how I felt, I'm not going to continue to dwell. I'm going to look forward to the great things I have going for me. I am going to be "married" in June, my brothers are graduating, my brother is coming back home, I've got a great job, I've got two wonderful cats, I've got a supportive and loving mother...I could go on. I am going to take this experience as a lesson learned and move on because I deserve to be happy and I am good enough.



I'm going to end this blog with a song that has gotten me through some of the toughest times. The song is "This too Shall Pass" by India. Arie. If you get a chance, click the link and listen to it. This song has seen me through my darkest days, and it continues to help me heal. I hope that one day my dad hears this and can finally hear me.


http://www.imeem.com/people/7RSWg/music/mqVYg3bB/india-arie-this-too-shall-pass/




I've achieved so much in life
but I'm an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
but my emotions are bankrupt
My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls, so do my tears

Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says

but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
turned around and hurt me the worst
Been doing my best to move on
but the pain just keeps singing me songs
My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain't happening the way I want it
Feel like I'm about to break down
can't hear the light at the end of the tunnel

So when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says

but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of a sudden I realized that it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light
this too shall pass...I hear the angels whisper that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisper -I hear my angels whisper this too shall pass