To Be a Dreamer.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I just have to scream. I am beyond frustrated. I am frustrated with God's plan right now. I know He/She/It works in the way they see fit, but right now it is just not working for me. Lately I've had more of those days where you're driving in the car and you hear a song - not quite a song with any significance to your specific situation - but just a song that sounds like your situation. The melody and the bass and the guitar rift at the bridge just feels like life. I was in the car today listening to The Fray (who in my opinion are just cry-song-makers anyways), but all of a sudden tears started pouring down my face. Not necessarily because the song had any significance to my current situation, but just the music hit my heart in the spot that triggers tears.

I'm just so ready for a change. I'm ready to have a job again. I'm ready for Lauren to start school and be the carpenter she's talked about for so long. I know that this is punishment for living an unrighteous life. You don't necessarily have to be doing all of the wrong things, but having the wrong mindset is just as wrong as doing the wrong thing. I do have faith that soon this hell I'm living in will be over. I just want to know when.

I really miss my family. I saw my mom this weekend and as always, it was so much fun. It seems like there is never enough time in the world to satisfy my yearn for my family. Now that we're getting so much older and going in so many different directions, it seems near impossible to get everyone in the same room. Plus, since my parents are divorced the family that I yearn for will never exist. People have moved on, lives have changed, attitudes have shifted. Things just aren't the same anymore and I hate that as each day leaves me, so do the memories of the happiness I experienced with my family. They just seem to be further and further.

Now, I look forward to being able to start a new family with my wife (I don't care if she likes it, I'm calling her 'wife'). I love her dearly and she truly has been all that I have when I feel like this. I couldn't have asked for anyone better right now. She's been so sick lately and it's been so painful for me. I can't do anything about it but be supportive and try to provide whatever medicine I can find to make her feel better. I know that this accident was her blessing to get her out of the downward spiral she was in, but damn it that I feel so alone in making her better. I miss her spirit. She's just not the same lately. Just so sick. And when she's sick physically, I'm sick spiritually.

Now that I'm jobless and broke, it's like everyone wants to know why I have no money or why I haven't found a new job yet, or why am I trying to sell this: I am so tired of always feeling like I have to explain myself to people. I just have this unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach that everyone will never be satisfied at the same time. It's so hard for me to accept. And what makes it worse, is - right now - I'm not satisfied. I want to move. I want to buy another car. I want to have a job that I feel I deserve and compensates accordingly. I want to have a baby. I want so much and it all seems so far, yet within reach. I refuse to use the excuse "in this economy" because, while it may be more difficult, it's certainly not impossible to achieve these dreams. And to be a dreamer feels like the gift and the curse. The gift - in that you strive to reach for something greater; yet, the curse because it's something you've never had, and can only imagine what it could be like.

So, as always when I feel like this, I listen to India, and let her music guide me to the next place in my life.

This Too Shall Pass...

Can't Keep Running Away

These past few weeks have seriously turned my world upside down. A few weeks ago, I was so optimistic, but now, I feel like such a loser. First, I lost my job. Then, I was diagnosed with diabetes. Then I found out the reason I lost my job was for a traffic violation on my background check. I took pride in waking up each morning to go to work because I knew that I was doing something productive. It felt good to know that I had a purpose to serve. Now, I have no rules. I don't have to get up at any specific time, I don't necessarily have a set list of things that I need to do. Every morning, it's just a day of wherever the road leads.

To some people, it doesn't really seem like I should really have anything to complain about and really I don't have anything to complain about because Lauren and I have had tons of financial support from our families to ensure we are able to at least maintain, but I still feel this useless feeling. I feel slightly worthless, not good enough. When I found out I had diabetes, my blood sugar was 535. Now that I'm aware, I am making a conscious effort to improve my eating and get healthy, but still my sugars barely budge and they are so random. I have been so sensitive. I take everything so personally. It's like when I lost my job, I lost a part of my self-worth. Then when I found out I was diabetic, I felt so shameful and ugly and just unworthy. I know it may seem melo-dramatic, but as a 24 year old diabetic, it's just like, "you have to be one fat b**** to be 24 AND have sugar as high as mine". The thing that I know is that this situation is completely fixable and temporary. I know that eventually I will pull through. But the sadness and depression I've felt is like a chain and ball on my ankle. It drags its dirty, ugly head with me everywhere I go.


I just feel like a failure. I was in the car today thing about my familiy and how much I miss them but I feel like such a let-down. More than anything, I just feel like I let myself down. I know that my mood has pushed Lauren away and scared her off and no matter how hard I try to explain it to her, it just doesn't come out right. I am so blessed that despite my moodswings, she is so patient with me and reminds me daily that she loves me and will always be by my side. Things that usually wouldnt bother me are all of a sudden under my skin. I just know I want so much for myself and I have so many goals and right now, this set back has been demoralizing. I am blessed to have my partner and my family. I am blessed that lauren and I now have friends here in Dayton who have been nothing short of amazing. I pray each morning that this day will be better than the next and all of these problems will soon be a thing of the past, but living in today has been nothing short of depressing and stressful. Today is one of those days that I need some India.Arie in my life.