Can't Keep Running Away

These past few weeks have seriously turned my world upside down. A few weeks ago, I was so optimistic, but now, I feel like such a loser. First, I lost my job. Then, I was diagnosed with diabetes. Then I found out the reason I lost my job was for a traffic violation on my background check. I took pride in waking up each morning to go to work because I knew that I was doing something productive. It felt good to know that I had a purpose to serve. Now, I have no rules. I don't have to get up at any specific time, I don't necessarily have a set list of things that I need to do. Every morning, it's just a day of wherever the road leads.

To some people, it doesn't really seem like I should really have anything to complain about and really I don't have anything to complain about because Lauren and I have had tons of financial support from our families to ensure we are able to at least maintain, but I still feel this useless feeling. I feel slightly worthless, not good enough. When I found out I had diabetes, my blood sugar was 535. Now that I'm aware, I am making a conscious effort to improve my eating and get healthy, but still my sugars barely budge and they are so random. I have been so sensitive. I take everything so personally. It's like when I lost my job, I lost a part of my self-worth. Then when I found out I was diabetic, I felt so shameful and ugly and just unworthy. I know it may seem melo-dramatic, but as a 24 year old diabetic, it's just like, "you have to be one fat b**** to be 24 AND have sugar as high as mine". The thing that I know is that this situation is completely fixable and temporary. I know that eventually I will pull through. But the sadness and depression I've felt is like a chain and ball on my ankle. It drags its dirty, ugly head with me everywhere I go.


I just feel like a failure. I was in the car today thing about my familiy and how much I miss them but I feel like such a let-down. More than anything, I just feel like I let myself down. I know that my mood has pushed Lauren away and scared her off and no matter how hard I try to explain it to her, it just doesn't come out right. I am so blessed that despite my moodswings, she is so patient with me and reminds me daily that she loves me and will always be by my side. Things that usually wouldnt bother me are all of a sudden under my skin. I just know I want so much for myself and I have so many goals and right now, this set back has been demoralizing. I am blessed to have my partner and my family. I am blessed that lauren and I now have friends here in Dayton who have been nothing short of amazing. I pray each morning that this day will be better than the next and all of these problems will soon be a thing of the past, but living in today has been nothing short of depressing and stressful. Today is one of those days that I need some India.Arie in my life.