Have you ever been in a fight with someone and all you can think to yourself is, "what can I say to make this all go away?" Well, I'm in a spot right now where I feel like I'm a polarizing figure in a family already torn. I love my family more than anything; but, as much as I love them, I just don't get them. In a family where communication is - at best - mute, when we do communicate, it's usually at some extreme emotional feeling-anger, happy, sad, etc. The only communication of anger is when someone has reached a breaking point.
Really, the point of this is because I need to vent. My brother is in the army. I have only seen him once in the past...eight months. And when I first saw him in January, we cried because we knew that his leaving for the Army truly meant that that was the last time I'd seem him as a civilian. Then, I saw him in July, and instead of being this incredible emotional reunion where everything is different and we finally can have the brother/sister relationship that he and I never were truly able to achieve, he, Lauren, and I got into a huge fight and we havent spoken since. He left for Oklahoma on the 20th, not a chance to say goodbye, not a chance to reconcile. He just left. And I got on facebook and saw all of his friends who had gotten to hang out with him, be around him while he was back, and they left him all of these sweet messages wishing him luck. And sure, I could have, but I only saw him for may 10 hours - including drive time to and from Cleveland - and I didn't have a moment like that. It's always frustrated me that ever since I moved back to the Dayton area, my goal was to try to be closer to my brothers. But the thing is that I always had to go to Springfield. They came to visit a few times, but even when I had my own apartment and even when I was an RA, it was hard to get anyone to come visit for any period of time longer than 20 minutes. The point of all this is that as much as I have tried to make myself available to be there for my brothers, it never happened. Now , they are both in separate parts of the country being men and growing up and having lives that I am not really a part of except by blood relation and the occasional phone call. But when that call comes, I don't get excited, I feel awkward. "what do I say?" "What do you talk about when you haven't talked in nearly 2 or 3 months?" I feel so separated from them that when we do see each other, we have to catch up on soooo much that there's just not enough time. I find out about their relationships on facebook with the rest of the world. It just makes me feel so unimportant.
Mainly though, it just hurts my feelings because I love my brothers more than anything. They truly are my inspiration to want to be better and to want to be successful. When I was younger, my brothers and I were so close because we found strength in each other when our family was falling apart. But as we get older, I feel that time has torn us apart. I talk to my dad and he says he hasn't talked to my brothers in months. My mom will say she hasn't talked to them in weeks. I can go a week or two without calling my parents. I just long for the family that I used to have - no matter ow disjointed or broken. We were together. And that's what I miss. Having my family together. I have no idea when we'll be able to see each other again. My dad is getting married and I have a feeling I may be the only one there. I love my family, no matter their flaws or their shortcomings. Now it just hurts that I have so much love to give to them, but no one there to receive it.
No comments:
Post a Comment