Re-Intro to the Blogosphere

So, this isn't my first blog, but I'm in a completely different place then I was when I had the other one and I didn't necessarily want to erase it, but I wanted a fresh start and what better way to do that than with a new page!

First and foremost, I'm going to try to introduce myself. My name's Denita. I don't necessarily like my name, but that's the one my parents gave me so I'm stuck with it. I have two amazing parents named Dennis and Denise. We haven't always seen eye-to-eye but they've always supported me and loved me unconditionally. I also have twin brothers Desmond and Derrick who I love so much. Desmond is in the army and I haven't seen him in a few months, but a day doesn't go by where I'm not thinking about what he's doing at this very moment. Derrick is my right hand, me and him always would joke we were the real twins because we are so alike and he is fun and carefree. I love my brothers more than anything and I hate how now that we're older, it's almost like they've outgrown me, but I know that they too have their own paths to go on, I just want to be a passenger for the ride! Anyways, now more than ever my family means the world to me. Despite all the drama, the tears, the crying, the anger, and all the BS that we've been through, I still love them and they each have helped me grow into who I am today. Moreso, they've forgiven me for what I put them through while I took my jagged path to self-righteousness.

As I grew up and started dating, I knew something didn't feel right when I was with a man, but I didn't care as long as they validated me and made me feel important. My biggest issue growing up was the feeling of not being "good enough". I dated TONS of guys and it all was so meaningless, because that's what you're supposed to do, but to me, it felt inauthentic. The first time I ever thought of a female in a not so friendly way is when my parents went out of town and had me stay at a friend's house. They gave me the option to stay somewhere else, but I wanted to stay at this house. I don't know what it was about this girl, but she gave me a butterfly that I'd never felt before. It was different, but it felt right. As I struggled to find my identity and figure out the truth behind my childish eyes, it was in high school that I realized what that squirmish feeling was. When I played basketball we had a manager named Destiny who I thought was so cool. She had just moved into town and I was intrigued by everything about her. Well one day, she needed a ride to basketball practice and I told her I'd come and get her but when I left the house I keot driving around the block because I didn't want to come over too early because that would seem obvious. I also didn't want to come too late because I didn't want her to think I didn't care. That's when I realized, wait a minute, why do I care so much; I'm just giving her a ride?!" That's when I realized that the feeling I had was not fleeting. I had a romantic interest in women. I was so ashamed and confused and excited that I didn't know what to do about it. When I finally came out to my family it was a very rough time. My parents were already experiencing marital problems, my brothers were graduating from college and trying to figure out their lives and I had become the hot mess of the family. There was so much confusion, so much going on that in the midst of everything I was still trying to get the validation I was searching for.

Well - NOW TO THE POINT OF THIS STORY- I have transformed into a beautiful 24 year old Diva. Now, I'm able to look at my life and my experiences and grow from the lessons that each circumstance has taught me. I have an amazing partner. She sees in me things I never knew were there. She teaches me to treat others the way you want to be treated. She has helped me become more accountable for my actions and able to stand up if I need to. When we first started dating, our relationship was roc-ky. With both of us on our substances we were no good for each other. She and I got into these ugly, bloody, painful fights only because we were trying to be together but we had too many demons to fight. Well, slowly but surely, me and Lauren have risen from the Ashes. I've seen low. and I've seen low. Lauren will always support me and always believe in my dreams. Ever since I've been with Lauren I have been able to find what true love is. She has taught me so much about forgiveness, freedom, and happiness. I feel like with her I can achieve anything I put my mind to. When you find that person that completes you, you know. And Lauren is the other half of my puzzle. She understands me even when I don't understand myself and she's so patient and that's why I love her.

Sometimes I'd get so angry because I just couldn't get people to understand me or to listen to me. I've learned so much about people and the people with whom we interact each day. I don't judge people based on their socioeconomic backgrounds and I don't consider myself the keeper or deliverer of justice and punishment. Instead, I've learned that no punishment I could ever hand down is even close to what is waiting for those who've done wrong when they meet Their Maker. Although some people won't "get it" on Earth, they will be delivered no mercy in their afterlife. In the meantime, as a human being living among other humans, I have learned to listen to everyone's story. Each person's life has been a feature film, and the things they've experienced have slowly made them the people they are today. Now, I try to appreciate people for their differences, but more for their dreams. Everyone has some innate desire to be something great. It may not be the same for everyone, but every one has dreams and desires. Without those desires, we would only exist. But we are constantly striving to be what we want and some are just more blessed than others to have the means to do so. In the mean time, we also need love and support to help us when all else has been lost. If it weren't for the people around me, I would not have made it through many of the difficult circumstances I've found myself in.

Despite the trials and tribulations I've found myself faced with, I've continued to rise above the pain and fly breezily above the pain of yesterday. All I can do now is look forward to the future because the years just continue to get better.