The Rage to Understand

Have you ever been in a fight with someone and all you can think to yourself is, "what can I say to make this all go away?" Well, I'm in a spot right now where I feel like I'm a polarizing figure in a family already torn. I love my family more than anything; but, as much as I love them, I just don't get them. In a family where communication is - at best - mute, when we do communicate, it's usually at some extreme emotional feeling-anger, happy, sad, etc. The only communication of anger is when someone has reached a breaking point.

Really, the point of this is because I need to vent. My brother is in the army. I have only seen him once in the past...eight months. And when I first saw him in January, we cried because we knew that his leaving for the Army truly meant that that was the last time I'd seem him as a civilian. Then, I saw him in July, and instead of being this incredible emotional reunion where everything is different and we finally can have the brother/sister relationship that he and I never were truly able to achieve, he, Lauren, and I got into a huge fight and we havent spoken since. He left for Oklahoma on the 20th, not a chance to say goodbye, not a chance to reconcile. He just left. And I got on facebook and saw all of his friends who had gotten to hang out with him, be around him while he was back, and they left him all of these sweet messages wishing him luck. And sure, I could have, but I only saw him for may 10 hours - including drive time to and from Cleveland - and I didn't have a moment like that. It's always frustrated me that ever since I moved back to the Dayton area, my goal was to try to be closer to my brothers. But the thing is that I always had to go to Springfield. They came to visit a few times, but even when I had my own apartment and even when I was an RA, it was hard to get anyone to come visit for any period of time longer than 20 minutes. The point of all this is that as much as I have tried to make myself available to be there for my brothers, it never happened. Now , they are both in separate parts of the country being men and growing up and having lives that I am not really a part of except by blood relation and the occasional phone call. But when that call comes, I don't get excited, I feel awkward. "what do I say?" "What do you talk about when you haven't talked in nearly 2 or 3 months?" I feel so separated from them that when we do see each other, we have to catch up on soooo much that there's just not enough time. I find out about their relationships on facebook with the rest of the world. It just makes me feel so unimportant.

Mainly though, it just hurts my feelings because I love my brothers more than anything. They truly are my inspiration to want to be better and to want to be successful. When I was younger, my brothers and I were so close because we found strength in each other when our family was falling apart. But as we get older, I feel that time has torn us apart. I talk to my dad and he says he hasn't talked to my brothers in months. My mom will say she hasn't talked to them in weeks. I can go a week or two without calling my parents. I just long for the family that I used to have - no matter ow disjointed or broken. We were together. And that's what I miss. Having my family together. I have no idea when we'll be able to see each other again. My dad is getting married and I have a feeling I may be the only one there. I love my family, no matter their flaws or their shortcomings. Now it just hurts that I have so much love to give to them, but no one there to receive it.

To Be a Dreamer.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I just have to scream. I am beyond frustrated. I am frustrated with God's plan right now. I know He/She/It works in the way they see fit, but right now it is just not working for me. Lately I've had more of those days where you're driving in the car and you hear a song - not quite a song with any significance to your specific situation - but just a song that sounds like your situation. The melody and the bass and the guitar rift at the bridge just feels like life. I was in the car today listening to The Fray (who in my opinion are just cry-song-makers anyways), but all of a sudden tears started pouring down my face. Not necessarily because the song had any significance to my current situation, but just the music hit my heart in the spot that triggers tears.

I'm just so ready for a change. I'm ready to have a job again. I'm ready for Lauren to start school and be the carpenter she's talked about for so long. I know that this is punishment for living an unrighteous life. You don't necessarily have to be doing all of the wrong things, but having the wrong mindset is just as wrong as doing the wrong thing. I do have faith that soon this hell I'm living in will be over. I just want to know when.

I really miss my family. I saw my mom this weekend and as always, it was so much fun. It seems like there is never enough time in the world to satisfy my yearn for my family. Now that we're getting so much older and going in so many different directions, it seems near impossible to get everyone in the same room. Plus, since my parents are divorced the family that I yearn for will never exist. People have moved on, lives have changed, attitudes have shifted. Things just aren't the same anymore and I hate that as each day leaves me, so do the memories of the happiness I experienced with my family. They just seem to be further and further.

Now, I look forward to being able to start a new family with my wife (I don't care if she likes it, I'm calling her 'wife'). I love her dearly and she truly has been all that I have when I feel like this. I couldn't have asked for anyone better right now. She's been so sick lately and it's been so painful for me. I can't do anything about it but be supportive and try to provide whatever medicine I can find to make her feel better. I know that this accident was her blessing to get her out of the downward spiral she was in, but damn it that I feel so alone in making her better. I miss her spirit. She's just not the same lately. Just so sick. And when she's sick physically, I'm sick spiritually.

Now that I'm jobless and broke, it's like everyone wants to know why I have no money or why I haven't found a new job yet, or why am I trying to sell this: I am so tired of always feeling like I have to explain myself to people. I just have this unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach that everyone will never be satisfied at the same time. It's so hard for me to accept. And what makes it worse, is - right now - I'm not satisfied. I want to move. I want to buy another car. I want to have a job that I feel I deserve and compensates accordingly. I want to have a baby. I want so much and it all seems so far, yet within reach. I refuse to use the excuse "in this economy" because, while it may be more difficult, it's certainly not impossible to achieve these dreams. And to be a dreamer feels like the gift and the curse. The gift - in that you strive to reach for something greater; yet, the curse because it's something you've never had, and can only imagine what it could be like.

So, as always when I feel like this, I listen to India, and let her music guide me to the next place in my life.

This Too Shall Pass...

Can't Keep Running Away

These past few weeks have seriously turned my world upside down. A few weeks ago, I was so optimistic, but now, I feel like such a loser. First, I lost my job. Then, I was diagnosed with diabetes. Then I found out the reason I lost my job was for a traffic violation on my background check. I took pride in waking up each morning to go to work because I knew that I was doing something productive. It felt good to know that I had a purpose to serve. Now, I have no rules. I don't have to get up at any specific time, I don't necessarily have a set list of things that I need to do. Every morning, it's just a day of wherever the road leads.

To some people, it doesn't really seem like I should really have anything to complain about and really I don't have anything to complain about because Lauren and I have had tons of financial support from our families to ensure we are able to at least maintain, but I still feel this useless feeling. I feel slightly worthless, not good enough. When I found out I had diabetes, my blood sugar was 535. Now that I'm aware, I am making a conscious effort to improve my eating and get healthy, but still my sugars barely budge and they are so random. I have been so sensitive. I take everything so personally. It's like when I lost my job, I lost a part of my self-worth. Then when I found out I was diabetic, I felt so shameful and ugly and just unworthy. I know it may seem melo-dramatic, but as a 24 year old diabetic, it's just like, "you have to be one fat b**** to be 24 AND have sugar as high as mine". The thing that I know is that this situation is completely fixable and temporary. I know that eventually I will pull through. But the sadness and depression I've felt is like a chain and ball on my ankle. It drags its dirty, ugly head with me everywhere I go.


I just feel like a failure. I was in the car today thing about my familiy and how much I miss them but I feel like such a let-down. More than anything, I just feel like I let myself down. I know that my mood has pushed Lauren away and scared her off and no matter how hard I try to explain it to her, it just doesn't come out right. I am so blessed that despite my moodswings, she is so patient with me and reminds me daily that she loves me and will always be by my side. Things that usually wouldnt bother me are all of a sudden under my skin. I just know I want so much for myself and I have so many goals and right now, this set back has been demoralizing. I am blessed to have my partner and my family. I am blessed that lauren and I now have friends here in Dayton who have been nothing short of amazing. I pray each morning that this day will be better than the next and all of these problems will soon be a thing of the past, but living in today has been nothing short of depressing and stressful. Today is one of those days that I need some India.Arie in my life.

It Only Hurts Worse to Fight It

One of the greatest lessons I've learned is that true change can only be accomplished once you've acknowledged that the actions of your past were wrong. Once you can admit personal defeat and you've learned to be humble, then you can truly begin to conceptually change yourself for the better. Last night, I had an argument with my dad that really hurt my feelings. I'm not going to go in to any depth in regards to the topic of conversation, but at the end of the conversation, I was crushed spiritually and emotionally. It wasn't so much about the words that were exchanged, but I felt taken advantage of.



There once was a time when I didn't know how to listen. It was my way, or the highway. I allowed myself to be consumed by my anger, and there was no way to talk me out of how I was feeling. I don't admit to being a perfect person, but I admit to being a humble person who tries to not miss out an opportunity to listen and learn about myself and others. Yesterday, I was confronted by a lot of old feelings that I have worked to overcome. I felt defeated, I felt bitter, but worst of all I felt like I wasn't good enough. For the first time in a while, I tried to do something that doesn't come naturally, which is to listen. But instead of being seen for my efforts to be what not many people have been to him, and instead of being grateful and really accepting what I was offering, I was emotionally beaten. But the worst part, is it wasn't a fair fight. I didn't result to calling names. I didn't result to exploiting already sensitive areas. I just listened. I tried to explain my feelings. I tried not to yell. I tried to acknowledge and affirm. But instead of these things being reciprocated, I was pretty much told you're efforts are futile, it's just not good enough.



One of my biggest battles has been allowing myself to acknowledge that I am good enough and that I am worthy of the many great things that life can provide to me. But to me it's not about the material things that the world has to offer, but about the love and unseen things that can provide happiness in our lives. I still appreciate the lessons that my father has taught me. I am grateful that I was able to grow up comfortably to where I was able to experience a lot of amazing things. I am grateful that I was allowed to see where hard work and dedication can lead. I am happy that I had him there to be a support system within my many extra curricular activities. I will never take away from him those things that were provided and for those things, I dare say he was a good father. But unfortunately there are so many other things that tend to cloud this perception. Despite everything that I was provided that I could see, it's the things I didn't see that shaped who I would be in my heart and how I would perceive myself.



I stand today a better person as a result of the lessons I have learned thanks to having wonderful family and friends in my life. As much as I want to be angry and try to issue justice by my own hands, I have to realize that it is not up to me offer any punishment. It's not up to me to try to "make him 'get it'". I am a firm believer that when people hurt others, the "punishment" that can be provided by my hands is nothing compared to what God has in store. The way you treat others will be reciprocated in due time. But if in my life time he never gets it, there's nothing I could do to fix him and there's nothing I could say to make him get it. What I do know is that I am no longer in the emotional trap of disappointment and anger I've always found myself in when it comes to healing his and my relationship. I will continue to love my father. I'm not going to continue to carry the emotional burden of trying to convince him or anyone else for that matter that I meet someone else's standards. I will only continue to grow from each adverse situation in which I find myself. One thing that he did say in which I agree with is that we cannot hold on to the past and we have to move on. After today, I'm going to let go of this situation. I'm going to forgive him for the way he made me feel last night. Regardless of if he feels he had any part in how I felt, I'm not going to continue to dwell. I'm going to look forward to the great things I have going for me. I am going to be "married" in June, my brothers are graduating, my brother is coming back home, I've got a great job, I've got two wonderful cats, I've got a supportive and loving mother...I could go on. I am going to take this experience as a lesson learned and move on because I deserve to be happy and I am good enough.



I'm going to end this blog with a song that has gotten me through some of the toughest times. The song is "This too Shall Pass" by India. Arie. If you get a chance, click the link and listen to it. This song has seen me through my darkest days, and it continues to help me heal. I hope that one day my dad hears this and can finally hear me.


http://www.imeem.com/people/7RSWg/music/mqVYg3bB/india-arie-this-too-shall-pass/




I've achieved so much in life
but I'm an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
but my emotions are bankrupt
My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls, so do my tears

Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says

but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
turned around and hurt me the worst
Been doing my best to move on
but the pain just keeps singing me songs
My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain't happening the way I want it
Feel like I'm about to break down
can't hear the light at the end of the tunnel

So when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says

but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of a sudden I realized that it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light
this too shall pass...I hear the angels whisper that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisper -I hear my angels whisper this too shall pass

Remember When?

I was at work today helping a customer - as always - when all of a sudden I heard some Anita Baker over the Muzak. I kept putting the phone on mute because I was trying to sing-a-long with the muzak but I had to stop listening because bills prevail over karaoke. But then I started talking to a co-worker about how music today is just so different than what it used to be. Which then got me to thinking, a lot is different than it used to be! Which inspired me to create this list creatively titled RememberWhen? The point of this list is to just think of 10 or 15 things that you miss - it can be in regards to pop culture, life, family, school, whatever. So here's my list:

Remember when ....

1. Saturday morning cartoons were worth waking up for?!ex. Doug, Pepper Ann, Rugrats, Recess

2. A happy meal was really what it said...a happy meal!

3. The best part of the day was recess?

4. you left the house, you had to take change to use a payphone?

5. AOL chatrooms were the place to be on bored Friday nights?

5. Velvet chokers were in style?

6. you were when the OJ verdict was read?

7. your parents were never right, and we (or I) was always right?

8.sleepovers were planned three weeks in advance with invitations?

9. you first realized the world's not the way you thought it was?

10. The first time you felt that first love butterfly in your stomach?

11. $20 was like $100?

12. To save something on a computer, you had to use a floppy disk that literally flopped?

13. Better yet, when you had to use MSDos to access a computer document?

14. The car phone?

15. Lil Wayne was on Cash Money?

What it Takes to Make Me - Mother's Day Edition

In light of the current recession, I did not send my mom flowers this year for mother's day. But even if I had the money, I could never be rich enough to buy her a gift to show her the insurmountable appreciation I have for her. My brother Derrick (onenightinbraziel.blogspot.com) wrote my mom a very touching ode that pretty much sums up how much she means to her three children. After reading it, I wanted to jock (because that's just what I do) but it just wouldn't be right to do something that's already been done. And while I do want to write something in the spirit of Mother's Day, I want to write something that is unique to the very special bond my mother and I share.

My mom and I have always had a close relationship. I'm the only girl in the family, and I'm the oldest so I had often needed my mom to make me not feel like such an outcast in a house full of men. As I got older, I became more angry. I resented my dad for not being around and I resented my mom for not standing up for me. I often found myself the center of a lot of arguments because all I wanted was attention, and there was never enough attention for me. Regardless of how badly I acted out, my mom was there to listen. I'll never forget the one day she put me in place.I was mouthing off - as usual - and something I said struck a nerve, and my mom pushed me (physically). Rather than think of how my actions provoked the reaction, I cried "child abuse". Needless to say, regardless of the conflicts we had, she was always there as a mother and a friend. She reminded me how beautiful I was and anyone who I dated would be lucky to have me. Although I didn't always believe it, I knew she believed it.

When I came out, it was a turning point for our relationship. My mother is a very spiritual person, and my sexuality and her faith just didn't mesh. At first, we just didn't get along and it was increasingly difficult to communicate while ignoring the huge pink elephant in the room. After my sophomore year of college, I decided to move out of my mother's home and , as opposed to returning to school, I decided to move in with my then-girlfriend. I didn't care about the future, but I wanted to prove a point: no matter what her faith says, it couldn't change me. My moving out was my way of saying either accept me or leave me alone. Regardless of my stance and regardless of our disagreements, she never stopped supporting me. If I was going to shack up, she'd let me use the vacuum; if I invited her for dinner, she'd come and enjoy it - whether or not she really did is still up for discussion; if I needed to vent about our relationship problems, she'd listen. And when me and my then-girlfriend broke up, she was still there with a shoulder to cry in to let me know that "this too shall pass".

Today, my mom and I have a great relationship. I admit that I don't call her as often as I should and I still tend to be very hard-headed, one thing my mom has always done is she has accepted me for who I am. If I felt like dressing like a skater or a whore, she'd still love me, she'd just remind me to put on a coat since it's winter. If I was having a bad day, she'd make some fried chicken and turn on my favorite CD. When I tried to kill myself, my mom reminded me how selfish it would be because she loved me and it would be the worst pain in the world to lose her only daughter. Regardless of what I went through, my mom always was always there to remind me how proud she was and how much she loved me. Some days, all I had to look toward was the words of wisdom from my mother to help me get through each day; and regardless of what she was going through, she never stopped being a mom.

I don't think I ever tell my mom "thank you" enough, and I don't think there are enough "thank you"s to express how much her mere presence has been to help me grow into the woman I am today. Through all of the things I've experienced and the many lessons I've learned, my mom has been the sole person who was always waiting at the finish line with a hug. When I lived in Virginia, everyone loved my momma. Everyone wanted to be her"noodle" and to this day, people still love being called "noodle". I never quite got it, but I used to hate having to share my mom. Everyone loved Mrs. Denise and there was never enough Mrs. Denise to go around. But now that I'm older, I'm proud that Mrs. Denise is my mom. I am so proud that she inspires and helps uplift others every day simply by existing. My mom has been through so much in her lifetime, and yet and still she wakes up every day with faith that this day will be better than the last.

Now that I'm older, I find myself not only trying to embody my mom but I even dress like my mom. When I come home, we share a few drinks and just talk about life. We share clothes, we gossip, we cry, we sit in silence. But the time I spend with her is priceless. Just being in her presence allows me to see what kind of woman I should be. While we haven't always seen eye to eye, she has always had faith in me. Regardless of what life has thrown at her or at me, she is still my sista girl/mom. Simply saying "I love you" just doesn't do justice to the woman that she is. But since there are not enough words or not enough dollars to show just how important she is, the best form of flattery is imitation. I just hope one day kids will be begging me to call them "noodle" too.

Here I Stand

I am very blessed to have a family that - through the years of turbulence - have continued to support me and stand by me. I have made a lot of poor choices and suffered many tragic consequences, yet here I stand today as a testiment to what having a loving and supporting family can do to assist in one's healing. However, despite being as lucky as I am to have them, I often find myself skeptical of the support they offer as an alliance for those seeking equal rights. Now before you guys blow off your handles - I want to clarify what I mean! My brothers, through the years, have grown to become tremendous supporters of the civil rights movement (not to be confused with THE Civil Rights Movement) for equality in the protection of gays' rights to marry. However, I often wonder just how far are they truly willing to fight for equal protection beyond the marriage equality fight?




Now, for those who follow my brother's blog (onenightinbraziel.blogspot.com), you will see that he is a person who is very passionate about the things in which he feels are injustices to the underrepresented and overtly discriminated populations of the world. He has love in his heart for the poor, the gay, the sick, the undereducated - the list could go on. In his most recent blog, he discusses some of the similarities between the gay movement for equality and the African American struggle for equality. And while I agree that there are some similarities, I believe that the fight for equality goes far beyond just believing that gays have the same rights as heterosexuals in terms of marriage.

For those gayelles and lezbots out there who have seen If These Could Walk 2, the first story about the elderly couple will ring in your mind as a prime example of the inequalities that gays will still have to fight for AFTER gay marriage is legalized. For you straighties (and you gays) who haven't seen it, the first story is about an elderly gay couple living in the 1930s where tolerance wasn't even a word that was whispered in the majority population's vocabulary. Needless to say, when one of the partners dies, the surviving lover is faced wtih the decision to out herself and risk tainting the memory of her beloved, or act like her "friend" (or in today's world, "the roommate") just to try to hang on to the little pieces of memory her surviving nephew will allow a "friend" to have. One pivotal scene (well the one that hit me the most) is when the surviving partner is at the hospital trying to see her dying partner and the nurses refuse to let her go back because "only family is permitted in the back". So, while the rest of her straight counterparts are able to be by their partners' sides and hold them as they pass on, all she can do is sit and pray that by the grace of a Higher Power she will be granted one last opportunity to say goodbye.

Now the purpose of this story is to say that the issue of gay marriage isn't so much an issue of legality but an issue of morality (duh!) No but really, while I applaud those people like my brother who are willing to openly say that they are advocates for gay marriage, I also know that it is easier to be an advocate for something when you see that it will have no personal affect on your life. However - similar to the fight for immigration -people can believe that Mexican immigrants in America should be afforded the same rights while they are in America as those natural-born citizens, but the minute their plight starts to interfere with your life, it becomes a completely different story. With gay marriage, there are many positives that can be added to the human experience by making it legalized. By legalizing gay marriage - should gay adoption be one day legalized - more children will be able to find a loving home with two loving parents.

Also, many cities struggling as a result of this horrendous economy will see a larger tourist population (no, not like a gay Vegas) which means more resources for local government. Legalizing gay marriage will mean that our national government will be forced to focus more on real issues, like improving our education system, reforming our prisor systems, and ending the capitalist greed that has taken over our economy.

On the contrary, I pose this question to my brother and anyone else who cares to think about it: now, while I believe there is a stark difference between THE Civil Rights Movement and this civil rights movement (notice the difference), would an affirmative action program for gays be accepted once it becomes essentially legal to love? Think about it, the Army currently has the infamous "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in force, not allowing gay soldiers to serve openly. Let's say that after gay marriage is legalized, Don't Ask, Don't Tell is considered unconstitutional and gays are suddenly allowed to serve openly. But when it comes time to recruit, recruiters are told that recruitment for gays needs to be equal or close to equal to the recruitment of gays. Nowwould you be as accepting if you had a soldier who, by army standards, is an average recruit, and he just so happens to be one of those "we're here, we're queer" over-the-top robo-gays. You have worked hard for the past six months getting your body in excellent shape so you can be an excellent soldier for your country. But when the army chooses the "fairy" (derogatory term used for the sake of being a point of reference) over you, would you have the same stance? Or what if this same person - but a butch, rainbow-flag-swirling woman was hired over conserative, blue-suit-wearing Jim. Would Jim, who is regularly an advocate of gay equality, still be pro-gay rights? Maybe the point of this argument is to say Affirmative Action is ineffective and discriminatory in its own right, but I think my point is to say that I am happy that gays have so many people who see that discrimination of any kind is wrong. but I challenge those who say they believe in equality to think, would you still be for equality if it meant imposing on your standard of life?

Additionally, my brother stated that "while he does not approve of it (which I interpreted as gay relationships or gay marriage) he believes that Christians have no right to impose these beliefs on others. I completely agree that there needs to be a separation of church and state, however I find that by viewing being gay as a "choice" or "inheritance" that is unworthy of approval is almost as damneding as saying gay marriage should be criminalized. I normally try not to compare the black struggle vs the gay struggle because I feel that this movement is being fought by an entirely different generation that doesn't have the same work ethic or will as past generations and the gravity of the Civil Rights Movement is slightly more urgent; However, I find that one similarity between the two is that regardless of being black or an open gay, you often find yourself fighting to not be known by that trait. Blacks despise being known as "that black guy" or, when someone has to describe you, the first thing that is mentioned is you're "black". But when you're openly gay or when you appearance somehow exudes a stereotypical appearance of gayness, the first trait by which you will be known and will be your most memorable characteristic is you are gay. Blacks continue to fight the double standard of proving that they are equal to their straight counterparts. They have to work twice as hard, make twice as much, and even assimiliate to society's views of acceptability to be perceived as a non-threatening member of society. Once you are outed, you too have to prove that you are just as good as straight. You have to try to not "flaunt" it and become more modest than you care to be. Holding hands in public is still a huge taboo, and there are even still laws against sodomy. So by saying you disapprove, it's like saying "I think you deserve to have the same marriage rights as straight people, but when you get married please don't kiss when the pastor says 'you may now kiss your bride" or "yes we're equal, but don't get married in church because it's against our principles". You can't truly express tolerance without acceptance, and I'm a firm believer that even though gay marriage will eventually be legalized, I still feel that the stigma will still be there.



As a woman in a very happy and loving gay relationship, I don't want to be known for my sexuality, but for the aspects of my personality that make me unique. The fight for gay marriage isn't so much a fight for equality, but it's a part of larger fight within society as a whole to learn to truly accept others as human beings rather than the labels they may carry. As my brother wisely said, "regardless of religious belief, and in my belief, even more so because of our religious beliefs, we must love and accept these people as children of God, because we're ALL his children." If we as a society would stop looking for the next group to demonize and instead look at each of our individual differences as pieces to the larger global puzzle, we would learn to operate as selfless individuals constantly looking for a way to be a better citizen to our neighbors and our World.


And as Tupac says,
ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME!