It Only Hurts Worse to Fight It

One of the greatest lessons I've learned is that true change can only be accomplished once you've acknowledged that the actions of your past were wrong. Once you can admit personal defeat and you've learned to be humble, then you can truly begin to conceptually change yourself for the better. Last night, I had an argument with my dad that really hurt my feelings. I'm not going to go in to any depth in regards to the topic of conversation, but at the end of the conversation, I was crushed spiritually and emotionally. It wasn't so much about the words that were exchanged, but I felt taken advantage of.



There once was a time when I didn't know how to listen. It was my way, or the highway. I allowed myself to be consumed by my anger, and there was no way to talk me out of how I was feeling. I don't admit to being a perfect person, but I admit to being a humble person who tries to not miss out an opportunity to listen and learn about myself and others. Yesterday, I was confronted by a lot of old feelings that I have worked to overcome. I felt defeated, I felt bitter, but worst of all I felt like I wasn't good enough. For the first time in a while, I tried to do something that doesn't come naturally, which is to listen. But instead of being seen for my efforts to be what not many people have been to him, and instead of being grateful and really accepting what I was offering, I was emotionally beaten. But the worst part, is it wasn't a fair fight. I didn't result to calling names. I didn't result to exploiting already sensitive areas. I just listened. I tried to explain my feelings. I tried not to yell. I tried to acknowledge and affirm. But instead of these things being reciprocated, I was pretty much told you're efforts are futile, it's just not good enough.



One of my biggest battles has been allowing myself to acknowledge that I am good enough and that I am worthy of the many great things that life can provide to me. But to me it's not about the material things that the world has to offer, but about the love and unseen things that can provide happiness in our lives. I still appreciate the lessons that my father has taught me. I am grateful that I was able to grow up comfortably to where I was able to experience a lot of amazing things. I am grateful that I was allowed to see where hard work and dedication can lead. I am happy that I had him there to be a support system within my many extra curricular activities. I will never take away from him those things that were provided and for those things, I dare say he was a good father. But unfortunately there are so many other things that tend to cloud this perception. Despite everything that I was provided that I could see, it's the things I didn't see that shaped who I would be in my heart and how I would perceive myself.



I stand today a better person as a result of the lessons I have learned thanks to having wonderful family and friends in my life. As much as I want to be angry and try to issue justice by my own hands, I have to realize that it is not up to me offer any punishment. It's not up to me to try to "make him 'get it'". I am a firm believer that when people hurt others, the "punishment" that can be provided by my hands is nothing compared to what God has in store. The way you treat others will be reciprocated in due time. But if in my life time he never gets it, there's nothing I could do to fix him and there's nothing I could say to make him get it. What I do know is that I am no longer in the emotional trap of disappointment and anger I've always found myself in when it comes to healing his and my relationship. I will continue to love my father. I'm not going to continue to carry the emotional burden of trying to convince him or anyone else for that matter that I meet someone else's standards. I will only continue to grow from each adverse situation in which I find myself. One thing that he did say in which I agree with is that we cannot hold on to the past and we have to move on. After today, I'm going to let go of this situation. I'm going to forgive him for the way he made me feel last night. Regardless of if he feels he had any part in how I felt, I'm not going to continue to dwell. I'm going to look forward to the great things I have going for me. I am going to be "married" in June, my brothers are graduating, my brother is coming back home, I've got a great job, I've got two wonderful cats, I've got a supportive and loving mother...I could go on. I am going to take this experience as a lesson learned and move on because I deserve to be happy and I am good enough.



I'm going to end this blog with a song that has gotten me through some of the toughest times. The song is "This too Shall Pass" by India. Arie. If you get a chance, click the link and listen to it. This song has seen me through my darkest days, and it continues to help me heal. I hope that one day my dad hears this and can finally hear me.


http://www.imeem.com/people/7RSWg/music/mqVYg3bB/india-arie-this-too-shall-pass/




I've achieved so much in life
but I'm an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
but my emotions are bankrupt
My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls, so do my tears

Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says

but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
turned around and hurt me the worst
Been doing my best to move on
but the pain just keeps singing me songs
My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain't happening the way I want it
Feel like I'm about to break down
can't hear the light at the end of the tunnel

So when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says

but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of a sudden I realized that it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light
this too shall pass...I hear the angels whisper that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisper -I hear my angels whisper this too shall pass

Remember When?

I was at work today helping a customer - as always - when all of a sudden I heard some Anita Baker over the Muzak. I kept putting the phone on mute because I was trying to sing-a-long with the muzak but I had to stop listening because bills prevail over karaoke. But then I started talking to a co-worker about how music today is just so different than what it used to be. Which then got me to thinking, a lot is different than it used to be! Which inspired me to create this list creatively titled RememberWhen? The point of this list is to just think of 10 or 15 things that you miss - it can be in regards to pop culture, life, family, school, whatever. So here's my list:

Remember when ....

1. Saturday morning cartoons were worth waking up for?!ex. Doug, Pepper Ann, Rugrats, Recess

2. A happy meal was really what it said...a happy meal!

3. The best part of the day was recess?

4. you left the house, you had to take change to use a payphone?

5. AOL chatrooms were the place to be on bored Friday nights?

5. Velvet chokers were in style?

6. you were when the OJ verdict was read?

7. your parents were never right, and we (or I) was always right?

8.sleepovers were planned three weeks in advance with invitations?

9. you first realized the world's not the way you thought it was?

10. The first time you felt that first love butterfly in your stomach?

11. $20 was like $100?

12. To save something on a computer, you had to use a floppy disk that literally flopped?

13. Better yet, when you had to use MSDos to access a computer document?

14. The car phone?

15. Lil Wayne was on Cash Money?

What it Takes to Make Me - Mother's Day Edition

In light of the current recession, I did not send my mom flowers this year for mother's day. But even if I had the money, I could never be rich enough to buy her a gift to show her the insurmountable appreciation I have for her. My brother Derrick (onenightinbraziel.blogspot.com) wrote my mom a very touching ode that pretty much sums up how much she means to her three children. After reading it, I wanted to jock (because that's just what I do) but it just wouldn't be right to do something that's already been done. And while I do want to write something in the spirit of Mother's Day, I want to write something that is unique to the very special bond my mother and I share.

My mom and I have always had a close relationship. I'm the only girl in the family, and I'm the oldest so I had often needed my mom to make me not feel like such an outcast in a house full of men. As I got older, I became more angry. I resented my dad for not being around and I resented my mom for not standing up for me. I often found myself the center of a lot of arguments because all I wanted was attention, and there was never enough attention for me. Regardless of how badly I acted out, my mom was there to listen. I'll never forget the one day she put me in place.I was mouthing off - as usual - and something I said struck a nerve, and my mom pushed me (physically). Rather than think of how my actions provoked the reaction, I cried "child abuse". Needless to say, regardless of the conflicts we had, she was always there as a mother and a friend. She reminded me how beautiful I was and anyone who I dated would be lucky to have me. Although I didn't always believe it, I knew she believed it.

When I came out, it was a turning point for our relationship. My mother is a very spiritual person, and my sexuality and her faith just didn't mesh. At first, we just didn't get along and it was increasingly difficult to communicate while ignoring the huge pink elephant in the room. After my sophomore year of college, I decided to move out of my mother's home and , as opposed to returning to school, I decided to move in with my then-girlfriend. I didn't care about the future, but I wanted to prove a point: no matter what her faith says, it couldn't change me. My moving out was my way of saying either accept me or leave me alone. Regardless of my stance and regardless of our disagreements, she never stopped supporting me. If I was going to shack up, she'd let me use the vacuum; if I invited her for dinner, she'd come and enjoy it - whether or not she really did is still up for discussion; if I needed to vent about our relationship problems, she'd listen. And when me and my then-girlfriend broke up, she was still there with a shoulder to cry in to let me know that "this too shall pass".

Today, my mom and I have a great relationship. I admit that I don't call her as often as I should and I still tend to be very hard-headed, one thing my mom has always done is she has accepted me for who I am. If I felt like dressing like a skater or a whore, she'd still love me, she'd just remind me to put on a coat since it's winter. If I was having a bad day, she'd make some fried chicken and turn on my favorite CD. When I tried to kill myself, my mom reminded me how selfish it would be because she loved me and it would be the worst pain in the world to lose her only daughter. Regardless of what I went through, my mom always was always there to remind me how proud she was and how much she loved me. Some days, all I had to look toward was the words of wisdom from my mother to help me get through each day; and regardless of what she was going through, she never stopped being a mom.

I don't think I ever tell my mom "thank you" enough, and I don't think there are enough "thank you"s to express how much her mere presence has been to help me grow into the woman I am today. Through all of the things I've experienced and the many lessons I've learned, my mom has been the sole person who was always waiting at the finish line with a hug. When I lived in Virginia, everyone loved my momma. Everyone wanted to be her"noodle" and to this day, people still love being called "noodle". I never quite got it, but I used to hate having to share my mom. Everyone loved Mrs. Denise and there was never enough Mrs. Denise to go around. But now that I'm older, I'm proud that Mrs. Denise is my mom. I am so proud that she inspires and helps uplift others every day simply by existing. My mom has been through so much in her lifetime, and yet and still she wakes up every day with faith that this day will be better than the last.

Now that I'm older, I find myself not only trying to embody my mom but I even dress like my mom. When I come home, we share a few drinks and just talk about life. We share clothes, we gossip, we cry, we sit in silence. But the time I spend with her is priceless. Just being in her presence allows me to see what kind of woman I should be. While we haven't always seen eye to eye, she has always had faith in me. Regardless of what life has thrown at her or at me, she is still my sista girl/mom. Simply saying "I love you" just doesn't do justice to the woman that she is. But since there are not enough words or not enough dollars to show just how important she is, the best form of flattery is imitation. I just hope one day kids will be begging me to call them "noodle" too.

Here I Stand

I am very blessed to have a family that - through the years of turbulence - have continued to support me and stand by me. I have made a lot of poor choices and suffered many tragic consequences, yet here I stand today as a testiment to what having a loving and supporting family can do to assist in one's healing. However, despite being as lucky as I am to have them, I often find myself skeptical of the support they offer as an alliance for those seeking equal rights. Now before you guys blow off your handles - I want to clarify what I mean! My brothers, through the years, have grown to become tremendous supporters of the civil rights movement (not to be confused with THE Civil Rights Movement) for equality in the protection of gays' rights to marry. However, I often wonder just how far are they truly willing to fight for equal protection beyond the marriage equality fight?




Now, for those who follow my brother's blog (onenightinbraziel.blogspot.com), you will see that he is a person who is very passionate about the things in which he feels are injustices to the underrepresented and overtly discriminated populations of the world. He has love in his heart for the poor, the gay, the sick, the undereducated - the list could go on. In his most recent blog, he discusses some of the similarities between the gay movement for equality and the African American struggle for equality. And while I agree that there are some similarities, I believe that the fight for equality goes far beyond just believing that gays have the same rights as heterosexuals in terms of marriage.

For those gayelles and lezbots out there who have seen If These Could Walk 2, the first story about the elderly couple will ring in your mind as a prime example of the inequalities that gays will still have to fight for AFTER gay marriage is legalized. For you straighties (and you gays) who haven't seen it, the first story is about an elderly gay couple living in the 1930s where tolerance wasn't even a word that was whispered in the majority population's vocabulary. Needless to say, when one of the partners dies, the surviving lover is faced wtih the decision to out herself and risk tainting the memory of her beloved, or act like her "friend" (or in today's world, "the roommate") just to try to hang on to the little pieces of memory her surviving nephew will allow a "friend" to have. One pivotal scene (well the one that hit me the most) is when the surviving partner is at the hospital trying to see her dying partner and the nurses refuse to let her go back because "only family is permitted in the back". So, while the rest of her straight counterparts are able to be by their partners' sides and hold them as they pass on, all she can do is sit and pray that by the grace of a Higher Power she will be granted one last opportunity to say goodbye.

Now the purpose of this story is to say that the issue of gay marriage isn't so much an issue of legality but an issue of morality (duh!) No but really, while I applaud those people like my brother who are willing to openly say that they are advocates for gay marriage, I also know that it is easier to be an advocate for something when you see that it will have no personal affect on your life. However - similar to the fight for immigration -people can believe that Mexican immigrants in America should be afforded the same rights while they are in America as those natural-born citizens, but the minute their plight starts to interfere with your life, it becomes a completely different story. With gay marriage, there are many positives that can be added to the human experience by making it legalized. By legalizing gay marriage - should gay adoption be one day legalized - more children will be able to find a loving home with two loving parents.

Also, many cities struggling as a result of this horrendous economy will see a larger tourist population (no, not like a gay Vegas) which means more resources for local government. Legalizing gay marriage will mean that our national government will be forced to focus more on real issues, like improving our education system, reforming our prisor systems, and ending the capitalist greed that has taken over our economy.

On the contrary, I pose this question to my brother and anyone else who cares to think about it: now, while I believe there is a stark difference between THE Civil Rights Movement and this civil rights movement (notice the difference), would an affirmative action program for gays be accepted once it becomes essentially legal to love? Think about it, the Army currently has the infamous "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in force, not allowing gay soldiers to serve openly. Let's say that after gay marriage is legalized, Don't Ask, Don't Tell is considered unconstitutional and gays are suddenly allowed to serve openly. But when it comes time to recruit, recruiters are told that recruitment for gays needs to be equal or close to equal to the recruitment of gays. Nowwould you be as accepting if you had a soldier who, by army standards, is an average recruit, and he just so happens to be one of those "we're here, we're queer" over-the-top robo-gays. You have worked hard for the past six months getting your body in excellent shape so you can be an excellent soldier for your country. But when the army chooses the "fairy" (derogatory term used for the sake of being a point of reference) over you, would you have the same stance? Or what if this same person - but a butch, rainbow-flag-swirling woman was hired over conserative, blue-suit-wearing Jim. Would Jim, who is regularly an advocate of gay equality, still be pro-gay rights? Maybe the point of this argument is to say Affirmative Action is ineffective and discriminatory in its own right, but I think my point is to say that I am happy that gays have so many people who see that discrimination of any kind is wrong. but I challenge those who say they believe in equality to think, would you still be for equality if it meant imposing on your standard of life?

Additionally, my brother stated that "while he does not approve of it (which I interpreted as gay relationships or gay marriage) he believes that Christians have no right to impose these beliefs on others. I completely agree that there needs to be a separation of church and state, however I find that by viewing being gay as a "choice" or "inheritance" that is unworthy of approval is almost as damneding as saying gay marriage should be criminalized. I normally try not to compare the black struggle vs the gay struggle because I feel that this movement is being fought by an entirely different generation that doesn't have the same work ethic or will as past generations and the gravity of the Civil Rights Movement is slightly more urgent; However, I find that one similarity between the two is that regardless of being black or an open gay, you often find yourself fighting to not be known by that trait. Blacks despise being known as "that black guy" or, when someone has to describe you, the first thing that is mentioned is you're "black". But when you're openly gay or when you appearance somehow exudes a stereotypical appearance of gayness, the first trait by which you will be known and will be your most memorable characteristic is you are gay. Blacks continue to fight the double standard of proving that they are equal to their straight counterparts. They have to work twice as hard, make twice as much, and even assimiliate to society's views of acceptability to be perceived as a non-threatening member of society. Once you are outed, you too have to prove that you are just as good as straight. You have to try to not "flaunt" it and become more modest than you care to be. Holding hands in public is still a huge taboo, and there are even still laws against sodomy. So by saying you disapprove, it's like saying "I think you deserve to have the same marriage rights as straight people, but when you get married please don't kiss when the pastor says 'you may now kiss your bride" or "yes we're equal, but don't get married in church because it's against our principles". You can't truly express tolerance without acceptance, and I'm a firm believer that even though gay marriage will eventually be legalized, I still feel that the stigma will still be there.



As a woman in a very happy and loving gay relationship, I don't want to be known for my sexuality, but for the aspects of my personality that make me unique. The fight for gay marriage isn't so much a fight for equality, but it's a part of larger fight within society as a whole to learn to truly accept others as human beings rather than the labels they may carry. As my brother wisely said, "regardless of religious belief, and in my belief, even more so because of our religious beliefs, we must love and accept these people as children of God, because we're ALL his children." If we as a society would stop looking for the next group to demonize and instead look at each of our individual differences as pieces to the larger global puzzle, we would learn to operate as selfless individuals constantly looking for a way to be a better citizen to our neighbors and our World.


And as Tupac says,
ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME!

Real Camels - in Our Throwvbacks

I has a really good day today. Some people in my position would be really depressed and solemn but I had an amazing day. A majority of my day was spent trying to find enough gas to drive home from work. I was worried, but I knew I'd find a way. Money has always been a sore subject in my family and its still a subject I suffer through. As I've grown up I've learned to emotionally detach myself from it. Anyways, once I was able to get home, I was able to see Lauren for a few moments before she left for work. Now that she works at night, it makes me miss her and appreciate the time that we do have that much more. [sigh] I'm just in a really good place right now. I'm not angry - neither deep down nor at the surface - and it feels...weird. It's almost uncomfortable how happy I am. For so long I was always mad at someone or had some burden I was carrying but I feel very light today.

Living, Learning, Loving.

This year has by far been one of the most inspirational and insightful year ever and it's only May! There is so much that I've learned about myself and life in the past five months that I already feel so much more wise. In the past, I've always accepted "who I am" because "that's how I've always been". But one thing that I've learned (not going down without kicking and screaming at times) is, just because I've always been like that, how has this reluctance been productive to positive personal growth? A lot of the characteristics we choose not to acknowledge or change is fear that by accepting ourselves as a certain way, not only are we refusing to accept that being wrong is the only way we've allowed ourselves to be, but that being right means abandoning everything that's comfortable. A lot of the traits I picked up as defense mechanisms have been manipulated so as to hold on to the little fragments of comfort that got me through some of the hardest years. I've had so many coping techniques throughout my life that when they were each taken away I was alone but forced to find something new to get me through the next rough patch. It has often been a lonely road, and it has often been a painful road, but I finally found the tool that is so powerful yet available to everyone.

So, my brother recently started a blog and after I read the first entry (even though it was probably like 6 pages long - literally) I cried because I was so moved by his testimony and although we don't talk as often as we used to, to read about his experiences and his passions made me so much more interested and so proud that I have a brother who has been blessed with the opportunity to hopefully inspire others like he has me through his ministry and his giving juxtaposition. One of the main ideas of his blogs and testimonies is the power of love.

I've always been in love with love. A lot of it has to deal with unresolved feelings of unworthiness that I felt growing up. I never felt accepted by my father growing up. No matter how hard I tried, I never felt good enough. A majority of our arguments were because I'd plead with him that he never gave me the affirmation I was searching for, and he'd always list off all of the things he's done to show he loved me. The problem with all of the things he listed - to me - was that the only thing he could list was the things he's paid for or being able to provide the best opportunities that money could afford. It was never that I was ungrateful for the material opportunities I was presented, but the affirmation I needed was never the presents or opportunities. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted it to be proved. I always thought, "if someone took away his wallet, would he be able to express it?" Even when I explained what I needed, he felt content in the fact that he "told me" he loved me, but I once read that"it takes only one 'you're not good enough' to eradicate 100 'I love you's'" and even when I said that, it was met by deaf ears.

So as I got older, I tried to find new ways to convince myself I was good enough. But no matter what I did, the tape that had been set to repeat in my head just continued to play louder than the rest of my thoughts. I tried so many destructive ways to make it go away, but the alcohol and the drugs never took the tape out, it just turned it down until the buzz was gone. Inevitably, the abuse to my body wasn't worth it. I found healthier ways, but every time I found something it became an obsession that consumed me. The tape that once told me 'I wasn't good enough' now told me 'if you do this, you'll be good enough'. I've considered trying to date men, I've lost tons of weight, I took jobs based on their title as opposed to the personal desire, I've sacrificied things deep in my heart I didn't want to, but it was all because I knew that if I just did a little extra, I would be accepted by the one force that I've always placed above myself - acceptance from my family.

But each new obsession would lead me still feeling alone, because regardless of the fleeting feeling of acceptance, I still felt empty. Nothing really changed. No matter what I tried to do, nothing I could do would make those I held closest do what I wanted. After I graduated from Wright State, I fell into a brief depression. I felt so empty and like I no longer had anything that was worth having anyone be proud of me. And if no one was proud of me, I couldn't be proud of me. I just couldn't shake it. Even after I got a job, it still wasn't good enough. Even though my family was "proud" I wa working, I wanted them to be proud because I got a better job. But one day, in the midst of just being stuck, I was able to find the catalyst in the source of a stranger to allow me to see what Lauren has been trying to get me to understand, but what I had been seeking to understand for 24 years.

One night, I went to the ER with Lauren because she chipped her tooth. I was angry she wanted me to go with her: I was so comfortable on the couch watching Saw, couldn't she just suck it up and take a tylenol?! Regardless, I ended up going with her - not because I wanted to, but because I didn't want to hear her complain I didn't go. Anyways, while she was being processed once we got there, I ended up sitting next to a very flamboyant and lively bald man. He had a orthopedic shoe on, so I assumed he was here for that. He was talking to a conservative, country man who didn't seem to interested, and quite frankly, neither was I. Anyways, as soon as I sat down, he did a double take of me and he said "GIRL! You are so fashionable, how long did it take you to get dressed?!" I thought to myself, "dude, you do not even know me. I'm in sweat pants and a dingy work sweater." So I politely said thank you and went back to staring at the back of Lauren's head, waiting for her to get back and save me from this noisy man. Anyways, he and I continued to share small talk when Lauren came back and he found out I was of the persuasion. I told him we were getting married and he went on to give us a lot of great ideas - well, some greater than others - but he told me that "your wedding is about the love, not about everyone else. You want to invite those to your wedding who will be at your funeral. Love is the only thing you'll be buried with." Well, just when I was really getting into it, Lauren was called back. I hugged him and told him "I just want you to know you're amazing, and you have helped me realize what I've been missing in my life. The thirty minutes I've spent with you today will stay with me for the rest of my life." He told me his name - "The name's Ralph Frederick" - and with that I walked out to the car to wait for Lauren. I got to the car and I cried harder than I've cried. I wasn't sad though, I was so happy that, through the randomness of a stranger in the waiting room battling his own medical demons ( he had stage 4 cancer) he was able to inspire me to search within myself for the love and acceptance I had searched so long for.

Here I am now, about three months after this divine intervention, and I can say that I have more love in my heart than I know what to do with. As an adult, I began to mimick my dad's love style thinking that if I showered those I love with "things" they'd understand I was saying "I love you". But there is no amount of things that can ever come close to those three words. And even if there are those you don't love, you should have care in your heart for every human you walk by, because everyone, at any given time, has a struggle that they are fightin every day. You never know how your words can inspire others. Your simple existence sometimes can mean the difference between using your ID to go to the liquor store or using it as a form of ID to enroll in college. What I mean by this, is that sometimes it's the little things we do simply by being our unique selves that has the power to inspire and enrich others. When I realized I could no longer use material things to show the strength of the love I have in my heart, I had to dig deep to figure out I what I could do.

I realized that the best way to give love is in a way that you want to receive. I realized that my struggle was a precursor for how I could utilize my voice- no matter how small it is considering the yells of those less fortunate - is to affirm those with which I contact. If you see someone who is really made up - regardless of whether it matches your personal style or if it's dirty - tell them they look nice. If you see someone looking down when they walk past you, say "hi". Most importantly, whenever I talk to someone and the conversation ends - or even if it never started - just tell someone to "have a good day" because you never know what happened before they crossed your path. Make your path one that has a light, and even if it doesn't point out where others need to go, it can at least offer enough illumination to keep going. With love and hope, impossible is nothing.
(sorry, Derrick. I'm a jock)