Living, Learning, Loving.

This year has by far been one of the most inspirational and insightful year ever and it's only May! There is so much that I've learned about myself and life in the past five months that I already feel so much more wise. In the past, I've always accepted "who I am" because "that's how I've always been". But one thing that I've learned (not going down without kicking and screaming at times) is, just because I've always been like that, how has this reluctance been productive to positive personal growth? A lot of the characteristics we choose not to acknowledge or change is fear that by accepting ourselves as a certain way, not only are we refusing to accept that being wrong is the only way we've allowed ourselves to be, but that being right means abandoning everything that's comfortable. A lot of the traits I picked up as defense mechanisms have been manipulated so as to hold on to the little fragments of comfort that got me through some of the hardest years. I've had so many coping techniques throughout my life that when they were each taken away I was alone but forced to find something new to get me through the next rough patch. It has often been a lonely road, and it has often been a painful road, but I finally found the tool that is so powerful yet available to everyone.

So, my brother recently started a blog and after I read the first entry (even though it was probably like 6 pages long - literally) I cried because I was so moved by his testimony and although we don't talk as often as we used to, to read about his experiences and his passions made me so much more interested and so proud that I have a brother who has been blessed with the opportunity to hopefully inspire others like he has me through his ministry and his giving juxtaposition. One of the main ideas of his blogs and testimonies is the power of love.

I've always been in love with love. A lot of it has to deal with unresolved feelings of unworthiness that I felt growing up. I never felt accepted by my father growing up. No matter how hard I tried, I never felt good enough. A majority of our arguments were because I'd plead with him that he never gave me the affirmation I was searching for, and he'd always list off all of the things he's done to show he loved me. The problem with all of the things he listed - to me - was that the only thing he could list was the things he's paid for or being able to provide the best opportunities that money could afford. It was never that I was ungrateful for the material opportunities I was presented, but the affirmation I needed was never the presents or opportunities. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted it to be proved. I always thought, "if someone took away his wallet, would he be able to express it?" Even when I explained what I needed, he felt content in the fact that he "told me" he loved me, but I once read that"it takes only one 'you're not good enough' to eradicate 100 'I love you's'" and even when I said that, it was met by deaf ears.

So as I got older, I tried to find new ways to convince myself I was good enough. But no matter what I did, the tape that had been set to repeat in my head just continued to play louder than the rest of my thoughts. I tried so many destructive ways to make it go away, but the alcohol and the drugs never took the tape out, it just turned it down until the buzz was gone. Inevitably, the abuse to my body wasn't worth it. I found healthier ways, but every time I found something it became an obsession that consumed me. The tape that once told me 'I wasn't good enough' now told me 'if you do this, you'll be good enough'. I've considered trying to date men, I've lost tons of weight, I took jobs based on their title as opposed to the personal desire, I've sacrificied things deep in my heart I didn't want to, but it was all because I knew that if I just did a little extra, I would be accepted by the one force that I've always placed above myself - acceptance from my family.

But each new obsession would lead me still feeling alone, because regardless of the fleeting feeling of acceptance, I still felt empty. Nothing really changed. No matter what I tried to do, nothing I could do would make those I held closest do what I wanted. After I graduated from Wright State, I fell into a brief depression. I felt so empty and like I no longer had anything that was worth having anyone be proud of me. And if no one was proud of me, I couldn't be proud of me. I just couldn't shake it. Even after I got a job, it still wasn't good enough. Even though my family was "proud" I wa working, I wanted them to be proud because I got a better job. But one day, in the midst of just being stuck, I was able to find the catalyst in the source of a stranger to allow me to see what Lauren has been trying to get me to understand, but what I had been seeking to understand for 24 years.

One night, I went to the ER with Lauren because she chipped her tooth. I was angry she wanted me to go with her: I was so comfortable on the couch watching Saw, couldn't she just suck it up and take a tylenol?! Regardless, I ended up going with her - not because I wanted to, but because I didn't want to hear her complain I didn't go. Anyways, while she was being processed once we got there, I ended up sitting next to a very flamboyant and lively bald man. He had a orthopedic shoe on, so I assumed he was here for that. He was talking to a conservative, country man who didn't seem to interested, and quite frankly, neither was I. Anyways, as soon as I sat down, he did a double take of me and he said "GIRL! You are so fashionable, how long did it take you to get dressed?!" I thought to myself, "dude, you do not even know me. I'm in sweat pants and a dingy work sweater." So I politely said thank you and went back to staring at the back of Lauren's head, waiting for her to get back and save me from this noisy man. Anyways, he and I continued to share small talk when Lauren came back and he found out I was of the persuasion. I told him we were getting married and he went on to give us a lot of great ideas - well, some greater than others - but he told me that "your wedding is about the love, not about everyone else. You want to invite those to your wedding who will be at your funeral. Love is the only thing you'll be buried with." Well, just when I was really getting into it, Lauren was called back. I hugged him and told him "I just want you to know you're amazing, and you have helped me realize what I've been missing in my life. The thirty minutes I've spent with you today will stay with me for the rest of my life." He told me his name - "The name's Ralph Frederick" - and with that I walked out to the car to wait for Lauren. I got to the car and I cried harder than I've cried. I wasn't sad though, I was so happy that, through the randomness of a stranger in the waiting room battling his own medical demons ( he had stage 4 cancer) he was able to inspire me to search within myself for the love and acceptance I had searched so long for.

Here I am now, about three months after this divine intervention, and I can say that I have more love in my heart than I know what to do with. As an adult, I began to mimick my dad's love style thinking that if I showered those I love with "things" they'd understand I was saying "I love you". But there is no amount of things that can ever come close to those three words. And even if there are those you don't love, you should have care in your heart for every human you walk by, because everyone, at any given time, has a struggle that they are fightin every day. You never know how your words can inspire others. Your simple existence sometimes can mean the difference between using your ID to go to the liquor store or using it as a form of ID to enroll in college. What I mean by this, is that sometimes it's the little things we do simply by being our unique selves that has the power to inspire and enrich others. When I realized I could no longer use material things to show the strength of the love I have in my heart, I had to dig deep to figure out I what I could do.

I realized that the best way to give love is in a way that you want to receive. I realized that my struggle was a precursor for how I could utilize my voice- no matter how small it is considering the yells of those less fortunate - is to affirm those with which I contact. If you see someone who is really made up - regardless of whether it matches your personal style or if it's dirty - tell them they look nice. If you see someone looking down when they walk past you, say "hi". Most importantly, whenever I talk to someone and the conversation ends - or even if it never started - just tell someone to "have a good day" because you never know what happened before they crossed your path. Make your path one that has a light, and even if it doesn't point out where others need to go, it can at least offer enough illumination to keep going. With love and hope, impossible is nothing.
(sorry, Derrick. I'm a jock)