The Rage to Understand

Have you ever been in a fight with someone and all you can think to yourself is, "what can I say to make this all go away?" Well, I'm in a spot right now where I feel like I'm a polarizing figure in a family already torn. I love my family more than anything; but, as much as I love them, I just don't get them. In a family where communication is - at best - mute, when we do communicate, it's usually at some extreme emotional feeling-anger, happy, sad, etc. The only communication of anger is when someone has reached a breaking point.

Really, the point of this is because I need to vent. My brother is in the army. I have only seen him once in the past...eight months. And when I first saw him in January, we cried because we knew that his leaving for the Army truly meant that that was the last time I'd seem him as a civilian. Then, I saw him in July, and instead of being this incredible emotional reunion where everything is different and we finally can have the brother/sister relationship that he and I never were truly able to achieve, he, Lauren, and I got into a huge fight and we havent spoken since. He left for Oklahoma on the 20th, not a chance to say goodbye, not a chance to reconcile. He just left. And I got on facebook and saw all of his friends who had gotten to hang out with him, be around him while he was back, and they left him all of these sweet messages wishing him luck. And sure, I could have, but I only saw him for may 10 hours - including drive time to and from Cleveland - and I didn't have a moment like that. It's always frustrated me that ever since I moved back to the Dayton area, my goal was to try to be closer to my brothers. But the thing is that I always had to go to Springfield. They came to visit a few times, but even when I had my own apartment and even when I was an RA, it was hard to get anyone to come visit for any period of time longer than 20 minutes. The point of all this is that as much as I have tried to make myself available to be there for my brothers, it never happened. Now , they are both in separate parts of the country being men and growing up and having lives that I am not really a part of except by blood relation and the occasional phone call. But when that call comes, I don't get excited, I feel awkward. "what do I say?" "What do you talk about when you haven't talked in nearly 2 or 3 months?" I feel so separated from them that when we do see each other, we have to catch up on soooo much that there's just not enough time. I find out about their relationships on facebook with the rest of the world. It just makes me feel so unimportant.

Mainly though, it just hurts my feelings because I love my brothers more than anything. They truly are my inspiration to want to be better and to want to be successful. When I was younger, my brothers and I were so close because we found strength in each other when our family was falling apart. But as we get older, I feel that time has torn us apart. I talk to my dad and he says he hasn't talked to my brothers in months. My mom will say she hasn't talked to them in weeks. I can go a week or two without calling my parents. I just long for the family that I used to have - no matter ow disjointed or broken. We were together. And that's what I miss. Having my family together. I have no idea when we'll be able to see each other again. My dad is getting married and I have a feeling I may be the only one there. I love my family, no matter their flaws or their shortcomings. Now it just hurts that I have so much love to give to them, but no one there to receive it.

To Be a Dreamer.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I just have to scream. I am beyond frustrated. I am frustrated with God's plan right now. I know He/She/It works in the way they see fit, but right now it is just not working for me. Lately I've had more of those days where you're driving in the car and you hear a song - not quite a song with any significance to your specific situation - but just a song that sounds like your situation. The melody and the bass and the guitar rift at the bridge just feels like life. I was in the car today listening to The Fray (who in my opinion are just cry-song-makers anyways), but all of a sudden tears started pouring down my face. Not necessarily because the song had any significance to my current situation, but just the music hit my heart in the spot that triggers tears.

I'm just so ready for a change. I'm ready to have a job again. I'm ready for Lauren to start school and be the carpenter she's talked about for so long. I know that this is punishment for living an unrighteous life. You don't necessarily have to be doing all of the wrong things, but having the wrong mindset is just as wrong as doing the wrong thing. I do have faith that soon this hell I'm living in will be over. I just want to know when.

I really miss my family. I saw my mom this weekend and as always, it was so much fun. It seems like there is never enough time in the world to satisfy my yearn for my family. Now that we're getting so much older and going in so many different directions, it seems near impossible to get everyone in the same room. Plus, since my parents are divorced the family that I yearn for will never exist. People have moved on, lives have changed, attitudes have shifted. Things just aren't the same anymore and I hate that as each day leaves me, so do the memories of the happiness I experienced with my family. They just seem to be further and further.

Now, I look forward to being able to start a new family with my wife (I don't care if she likes it, I'm calling her 'wife'). I love her dearly and she truly has been all that I have when I feel like this. I couldn't have asked for anyone better right now. She's been so sick lately and it's been so painful for me. I can't do anything about it but be supportive and try to provide whatever medicine I can find to make her feel better. I know that this accident was her blessing to get her out of the downward spiral she was in, but damn it that I feel so alone in making her better. I miss her spirit. She's just not the same lately. Just so sick. And when she's sick physically, I'm sick spiritually.

Now that I'm jobless and broke, it's like everyone wants to know why I have no money or why I haven't found a new job yet, or why am I trying to sell this: I am so tired of always feeling like I have to explain myself to people. I just have this unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach that everyone will never be satisfied at the same time. It's so hard for me to accept. And what makes it worse, is - right now - I'm not satisfied. I want to move. I want to buy another car. I want to have a job that I feel I deserve and compensates accordingly. I want to have a baby. I want so much and it all seems so far, yet within reach. I refuse to use the excuse "in this economy" because, while it may be more difficult, it's certainly not impossible to achieve these dreams. And to be a dreamer feels like the gift and the curse. The gift - in that you strive to reach for something greater; yet, the curse because it's something you've never had, and can only imagine what it could be like.

So, as always when I feel like this, I listen to India, and let her music guide me to the next place in my life.

This Too Shall Pass...

Can't Keep Running Away

These past few weeks have seriously turned my world upside down. A few weeks ago, I was so optimistic, but now, I feel like such a loser. First, I lost my job. Then, I was diagnosed with diabetes. Then I found out the reason I lost my job was for a traffic violation on my background check. I took pride in waking up each morning to go to work because I knew that I was doing something productive. It felt good to know that I had a purpose to serve. Now, I have no rules. I don't have to get up at any specific time, I don't necessarily have a set list of things that I need to do. Every morning, it's just a day of wherever the road leads.

To some people, it doesn't really seem like I should really have anything to complain about and really I don't have anything to complain about because Lauren and I have had tons of financial support from our families to ensure we are able to at least maintain, but I still feel this useless feeling. I feel slightly worthless, not good enough. When I found out I had diabetes, my blood sugar was 535. Now that I'm aware, I am making a conscious effort to improve my eating and get healthy, but still my sugars barely budge and they are so random. I have been so sensitive. I take everything so personally. It's like when I lost my job, I lost a part of my self-worth. Then when I found out I was diabetic, I felt so shameful and ugly and just unworthy. I know it may seem melo-dramatic, but as a 24 year old diabetic, it's just like, "you have to be one fat b**** to be 24 AND have sugar as high as mine". The thing that I know is that this situation is completely fixable and temporary. I know that eventually I will pull through. But the sadness and depression I've felt is like a chain and ball on my ankle. It drags its dirty, ugly head with me everywhere I go.


I just feel like a failure. I was in the car today thing about my familiy and how much I miss them but I feel like such a let-down. More than anything, I just feel like I let myself down. I know that my mood has pushed Lauren away and scared her off and no matter how hard I try to explain it to her, it just doesn't come out right. I am so blessed that despite my moodswings, she is so patient with me and reminds me daily that she loves me and will always be by my side. Things that usually wouldnt bother me are all of a sudden under my skin. I just know I want so much for myself and I have so many goals and right now, this set back has been demoralizing. I am blessed to have my partner and my family. I am blessed that lauren and I now have friends here in Dayton who have been nothing short of amazing. I pray each morning that this day will be better than the next and all of these problems will soon be a thing of the past, but living in today has been nothing short of depressing and stressful. Today is one of those days that I need some India.Arie in my life.

It Only Hurts Worse to Fight It

One of the greatest lessons I've learned is that true change can only be accomplished once you've acknowledged that the actions of your past were wrong. Once you can admit personal defeat and you've learned to be humble, then you can truly begin to conceptually change yourself for the better. Last night, I had an argument with my dad that really hurt my feelings. I'm not going to go in to any depth in regards to the topic of conversation, but at the end of the conversation, I was crushed spiritually and emotionally. It wasn't so much about the words that were exchanged, but I felt taken advantage of.



There once was a time when I didn't know how to listen. It was my way, or the highway. I allowed myself to be consumed by my anger, and there was no way to talk me out of how I was feeling. I don't admit to being a perfect person, but I admit to being a humble person who tries to not miss out an opportunity to listen and learn about myself and others. Yesterday, I was confronted by a lot of old feelings that I have worked to overcome. I felt defeated, I felt bitter, but worst of all I felt like I wasn't good enough. For the first time in a while, I tried to do something that doesn't come naturally, which is to listen. But instead of being seen for my efforts to be what not many people have been to him, and instead of being grateful and really accepting what I was offering, I was emotionally beaten. But the worst part, is it wasn't a fair fight. I didn't result to calling names. I didn't result to exploiting already sensitive areas. I just listened. I tried to explain my feelings. I tried not to yell. I tried to acknowledge and affirm. But instead of these things being reciprocated, I was pretty much told you're efforts are futile, it's just not good enough.



One of my biggest battles has been allowing myself to acknowledge that I am good enough and that I am worthy of the many great things that life can provide to me. But to me it's not about the material things that the world has to offer, but about the love and unseen things that can provide happiness in our lives. I still appreciate the lessons that my father has taught me. I am grateful that I was able to grow up comfortably to where I was able to experience a lot of amazing things. I am grateful that I was allowed to see where hard work and dedication can lead. I am happy that I had him there to be a support system within my many extra curricular activities. I will never take away from him those things that were provided and for those things, I dare say he was a good father. But unfortunately there are so many other things that tend to cloud this perception. Despite everything that I was provided that I could see, it's the things I didn't see that shaped who I would be in my heart and how I would perceive myself.



I stand today a better person as a result of the lessons I have learned thanks to having wonderful family and friends in my life. As much as I want to be angry and try to issue justice by my own hands, I have to realize that it is not up to me offer any punishment. It's not up to me to try to "make him 'get it'". I am a firm believer that when people hurt others, the "punishment" that can be provided by my hands is nothing compared to what God has in store. The way you treat others will be reciprocated in due time. But if in my life time he never gets it, there's nothing I could do to fix him and there's nothing I could say to make him get it. What I do know is that I am no longer in the emotional trap of disappointment and anger I've always found myself in when it comes to healing his and my relationship. I will continue to love my father. I'm not going to continue to carry the emotional burden of trying to convince him or anyone else for that matter that I meet someone else's standards. I will only continue to grow from each adverse situation in which I find myself. One thing that he did say in which I agree with is that we cannot hold on to the past and we have to move on. After today, I'm going to let go of this situation. I'm going to forgive him for the way he made me feel last night. Regardless of if he feels he had any part in how I felt, I'm not going to continue to dwell. I'm going to look forward to the great things I have going for me. I am going to be "married" in June, my brothers are graduating, my brother is coming back home, I've got a great job, I've got two wonderful cats, I've got a supportive and loving mother...I could go on. I am going to take this experience as a lesson learned and move on because I deserve to be happy and I am good enough.



I'm going to end this blog with a song that has gotten me through some of the toughest times. The song is "This too Shall Pass" by India. Arie. If you get a chance, click the link and listen to it. This song has seen me through my darkest days, and it continues to help me heal. I hope that one day my dad hears this and can finally hear me.


http://www.imeem.com/people/7RSWg/music/mqVYg3bB/india-arie-this-too-shall-pass/




I've achieved so much in life
but I'm an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
but my emotions are bankrupt
My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls, so do my tears

Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says

but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
turned around and hurt me the worst
Been doing my best to move on
but the pain just keeps singing me songs
My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain't happening the way I want it
Feel like I'm about to break down
can't hear the light at the end of the tunnel

So when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says

but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of a sudden I realized that it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light
this too shall pass...I hear the angels whisper that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisper -I hear my angels whisper this too shall pass

Remember When?

I was at work today helping a customer - as always - when all of a sudden I heard some Anita Baker over the Muzak. I kept putting the phone on mute because I was trying to sing-a-long with the muzak but I had to stop listening because bills prevail over karaoke. But then I started talking to a co-worker about how music today is just so different than what it used to be. Which then got me to thinking, a lot is different than it used to be! Which inspired me to create this list creatively titled RememberWhen? The point of this list is to just think of 10 or 15 things that you miss - it can be in regards to pop culture, life, family, school, whatever. So here's my list:

Remember when ....

1. Saturday morning cartoons were worth waking up for?!ex. Doug, Pepper Ann, Rugrats, Recess

2. A happy meal was really what it said...a happy meal!

3. The best part of the day was recess?

4. you left the house, you had to take change to use a payphone?

5. AOL chatrooms were the place to be on bored Friday nights?

5. Velvet chokers were in style?

6. you were when the OJ verdict was read?

7. your parents were never right, and we (or I) was always right?

8.sleepovers were planned three weeks in advance with invitations?

9. you first realized the world's not the way you thought it was?

10. The first time you felt that first love butterfly in your stomach?

11. $20 was like $100?

12. To save something on a computer, you had to use a floppy disk that literally flopped?

13. Better yet, when you had to use MSDos to access a computer document?

14. The car phone?

15. Lil Wayne was on Cash Money?

What it Takes to Make Me - Mother's Day Edition

In light of the current recession, I did not send my mom flowers this year for mother's day. But even if I had the money, I could never be rich enough to buy her a gift to show her the insurmountable appreciation I have for her. My brother Derrick (onenightinbraziel.blogspot.com) wrote my mom a very touching ode that pretty much sums up how much she means to her three children. After reading it, I wanted to jock (because that's just what I do) but it just wouldn't be right to do something that's already been done. And while I do want to write something in the spirit of Mother's Day, I want to write something that is unique to the very special bond my mother and I share.

My mom and I have always had a close relationship. I'm the only girl in the family, and I'm the oldest so I had often needed my mom to make me not feel like such an outcast in a house full of men. As I got older, I became more angry. I resented my dad for not being around and I resented my mom for not standing up for me. I often found myself the center of a lot of arguments because all I wanted was attention, and there was never enough attention for me. Regardless of how badly I acted out, my mom was there to listen. I'll never forget the one day she put me in place.I was mouthing off - as usual - and something I said struck a nerve, and my mom pushed me (physically). Rather than think of how my actions provoked the reaction, I cried "child abuse". Needless to say, regardless of the conflicts we had, she was always there as a mother and a friend. She reminded me how beautiful I was and anyone who I dated would be lucky to have me. Although I didn't always believe it, I knew she believed it.

When I came out, it was a turning point for our relationship. My mother is a very spiritual person, and my sexuality and her faith just didn't mesh. At first, we just didn't get along and it was increasingly difficult to communicate while ignoring the huge pink elephant in the room. After my sophomore year of college, I decided to move out of my mother's home and , as opposed to returning to school, I decided to move in with my then-girlfriend. I didn't care about the future, but I wanted to prove a point: no matter what her faith says, it couldn't change me. My moving out was my way of saying either accept me or leave me alone. Regardless of my stance and regardless of our disagreements, she never stopped supporting me. If I was going to shack up, she'd let me use the vacuum; if I invited her for dinner, she'd come and enjoy it - whether or not she really did is still up for discussion; if I needed to vent about our relationship problems, she'd listen. And when me and my then-girlfriend broke up, she was still there with a shoulder to cry in to let me know that "this too shall pass".

Today, my mom and I have a great relationship. I admit that I don't call her as often as I should and I still tend to be very hard-headed, one thing my mom has always done is she has accepted me for who I am. If I felt like dressing like a skater or a whore, she'd still love me, she'd just remind me to put on a coat since it's winter. If I was having a bad day, she'd make some fried chicken and turn on my favorite CD. When I tried to kill myself, my mom reminded me how selfish it would be because she loved me and it would be the worst pain in the world to lose her only daughter. Regardless of what I went through, my mom always was always there to remind me how proud she was and how much she loved me. Some days, all I had to look toward was the words of wisdom from my mother to help me get through each day; and regardless of what she was going through, she never stopped being a mom.

I don't think I ever tell my mom "thank you" enough, and I don't think there are enough "thank you"s to express how much her mere presence has been to help me grow into the woman I am today. Through all of the things I've experienced and the many lessons I've learned, my mom has been the sole person who was always waiting at the finish line with a hug. When I lived in Virginia, everyone loved my momma. Everyone wanted to be her"noodle" and to this day, people still love being called "noodle". I never quite got it, but I used to hate having to share my mom. Everyone loved Mrs. Denise and there was never enough Mrs. Denise to go around. But now that I'm older, I'm proud that Mrs. Denise is my mom. I am so proud that she inspires and helps uplift others every day simply by existing. My mom has been through so much in her lifetime, and yet and still she wakes up every day with faith that this day will be better than the last.

Now that I'm older, I find myself not only trying to embody my mom but I even dress like my mom. When I come home, we share a few drinks and just talk about life. We share clothes, we gossip, we cry, we sit in silence. But the time I spend with her is priceless. Just being in her presence allows me to see what kind of woman I should be. While we haven't always seen eye to eye, she has always had faith in me. Regardless of what life has thrown at her or at me, she is still my sista girl/mom. Simply saying "I love you" just doesn't do justice to the woman that she is. But since there are not enough words or not enough dollars to show just how important she is, the best form of flattery is imitation. I just hope one day kids will be begging me to call them "noodle" too.

Here I Stand

I am very blessed to have a family that - through the years of turbulence - have continued to support me and stand by me. I have made a lot of poor choices and suffered many tragic consequences, yet here I stand today as a testiment to what having a loving and supporting family can do to assist in one's healing. However, despite being as lucky as I am to have them, I often find myself skeptical of the support they offer as an alliance for those seeking equal rights. Now before you guys blow off your handles - I want to clarify what I mean! My brothers, through the years, have grown to become tremendous supporters of the civil rights movement (not to be confused with THE Civil Rights Movement) for equality in the protection of gays' rights to marry. However, I often wonder just how far are they truly willing to fight for equal protection beyond the marriage equality fight?




Now, for those who follow my brother's blog (onenightinbraziel.blogspot.com), you will see that he is a person who is very passionate about the things in which he feels are injustices to the underrepresented and overtly discriminated populations of the world. He has love in his heart for the poor, the gay, the sick, the undereducated - the list could go on. In his most recent blog, he discusses some of the similarities between the gay movement for equality and the African American struggle for equality. And while I agree that there are some similarities, I believe that the fight for equality goes far beyond just believing that gays have the same rights as heterosexuals in terms of marriage.

For those gayelles and lezbots out there who have seen If These Could Walk 2, the first story about the elderly couple will ring in your mind as a prime example of the inequalities that gays will still have to fight for AFTER gay marriage is legalized. For you straighties (and you gays) who haven't seen it, the first story is about an elderly gay couple living in the 1930s where tolerance wasn't even a word that was whispered in the majority population's vocabulary. Needless to say, when one of the partners dies, the surviving lover is faced wtih the decision to out herself and risk tainting the memory of her beloved, or act like her "friend" (or in today's world, "the roommate") just to try to hang on to the little pieces of memory her surviving nephew will allow a "friend" to have. One pivotal scene (well the one that hit me the most) is when the surviving partner is at the hospital trying to see her dying partner and the nurses refuse to let her go back because "only family is permitted in the back". So, while the rest of her straight counterparts are able to be by their partners' sides and hold them as they pass on, all she can do is sit and pray that by the grace of a Higher Power she will be granted one last opportunity to say goodbye.

Now the purpose of this story is to say that the issue of gay marriage isn't so much an issue of legality but an issue of morality (duh!) No but really, while I applaud those people like my brother who are willing to openly say that they are advocates for gay marriage, I also know that it is easier to be an advocate for something when you see that it will have no personal affect on your life. However - similar to the fight for immigration -people can believe that Mexican immigrants in America should be afforded the same rights while they are in America as those natural-born citizens, but the minute their plight starts to interfere with your life, it becomes a completely different story. With gay marriage, there are many positives that can be added to the human experience by making it legalized. By legalizing gay marriage - should gay adoption be one day legalized - more children will be able to find a loving home with two loving parents.

Also, many cities struggling as a result of this horrendous economy will see a larger tourist population (no, not like a gay Vegas) which means more resources for local government. Legalizing gay marriage will mean that our national government will be forced to focus more on real issues, like improving our education system, reforming our prisor systems, and ending the capitalist greed that has taken over our economy.

On the contrary, I pose this question to my brother and anyone else who cares to think about it: now, while I believe there is a stark difference between THE Civil Rights Movement and this civil rights movement (notice the difference), would an affirmative action program for gays be accepted once it becomes essentially legal to love? Think about it, the Army currently has the infamous "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in force, not allowing gay soldiers to serve openly. Let's say that after gay marriage is legalized, Don't Ask, Don't Tell is considered unconstitutional and gays are suddenly allowed to serve openly. But when it comes time to recruit, recruiters are told that recruitment for gays needs to be equal or close to equal to the recruitment of gays. Nowwould you be as accepting if you had a soldier who, by army standards, is an average recruit, and he just so happens to be one of those "we're here, we're queer" over-the-top robo-gays. You have worked hard for the past six months getting your body in excellent shape so you can be an excellent soldier for your country. But when the army chooses the "fairy" (derogatory term used for the sake of being a point of reference) over you, would you have the same stance? Or what if this same person - but a butch, rainbow-flag-swirling woman was hired over conserative, blue-suit-wearing Jim. Would Jim, who is regularly an advocate of gay equality, still be pro-gay rights? Maybe the point of this argument is to say Affirmative Action is ineffective and discriminatory in its own right, but I think my point is to say that I am happy that gays have so many people who see that discrimination of any kind is wrong. but I challenge those who say they believe in equality to think, would you still be for equality if it meant imposing on your standard of life?

Additionally, my brother stated that "while he does not approve of it (which I interpreted as gay relationships or gay marriage) he believes that Christians have no right to impose these beliefs on others. I completely agree that there needs to be a separation of church and state, however I find that by viewing being gay as a "choice" or "inheritance" that is unworthy of approval is almost as damneding as saying gay marriage should be criminalized. I normally try not to compare the black struggle vs the gay struggle because I feel that this movement is being fought by an entirely different generation that doesn't have the same work ethic or will as past generations and the gravity of the Civil Rights Movement is slightly more urgent; However, I find that one similarity between the two is that regardless of being black or an open gay, you often find yourself fighting to not be known by that trait. Blacks despise being known as "that black guy" or, when someone has to describe you, the first thing that is mentioned is you're "black". But when you're openly gay or when you appearance somehow exudes a stereotypical appearance of gayness, the first trait by which you will be known and will be your most memorable characteristic is you are gay. Blacks continue to fight the double standard of proving that they are equal to their straight counterparts. They have to work twice as hard, make twice as much, and even assimiliate to society's views of acceptability to be perceived as a non-threatening member of society. Once you are outed, you too have to prove that you are just as good as straight. You have to try to not "flaunt" it and become more modest than you care to be. Holding hands in public is still a huge taboo, and there are even still laws against sodomy. So by saying you disapprove, it's like saying "I think you deserve to have the same marriage rights as straight people, but when you get married please don't kiss when the pastor says 'you may now kiss your bride" or "yes we're equal, but don't get married in church because it's against our principles". You can't truly express tolerance without acceptance, and I'm a firm believer that even though gay marriage will eventually be legalized, I still feel that the stigma will still be there.



As a woman in a very happy and loving gay relationship, I don't want to be known for my sexuality, but for the aspects of my personality that make me unique. The fight for gay marriage isn't so much a fight for equality, but it's a part of larger fight within society as a whole to learn to truly accept others as human beings rather than the labels they may carry. As my brother wisely said, "regardless of religious belief, and in my belief, even more so because of our religious beliefs, we must love and accept these people as children of God, because we're ALL his children." If we as a society would stop looking for the next group to demonize and instead look at each of our individual differences as pieces to the larger global puzzle, we would learn to operate as selfless individuals constantly looking for a way to be a better citizen to our neighbors and our World.


And as Tupac says,
ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME!

Real Camels - in Our Throwvbacks

I has a really good day today. Some people in my position would be really depressed and solemn but I had an amazing day. A majority of my day was spent trying to find enough gas to drive home from work. I was worried, but I knew I'd find a way. Money has always been a sore subject in my family and its still a subject I suffer through. As I've grown up I've learned to emotionally detach myself from it. Anyways, once I was able to get home, I was able to see Lauren for a few moments before she left for work. Now that she works at night, it makes me miss her and appreciate the time that we do have that much more. [sigh] I'm just in a really good place right now. I'm not angry - neither deep down nor at the surface - and it feels...weird. It's almost uncomfortable how happy I am. For so long I was always mad at someone or had some burden I was carrying but I feel very light today.

Living, Learning, Loving.

This year has by far been one of the most inspirational and insightful year ever and it's only May! There is so much that I've learned about myself and life in the past five months that I already feel so much more wise. In the past, I've always accepted "who I am" because "that's how I've always been". But one thing that I've learned (not going down without kicking and screaming at times) is, just because I've always been like that, how has this reluctance been productive to positive personal growth? A lot of the characteristics we choose not to acknowledge or change is fear that by accepting ourselves as a certain way, not only are we refusing to accept that being wrong is the only way we've allowed ourselves to be, but that being right means abandoning everything that's comfortable. A lot of the traits I picked up as defense mechanisms have been manipulated so as to hold on to the little fragments of comfort that got me through some of the hardest years. I've had so many coping techniques throughout my life that when they were each taken away I was alone but forced to find something new to get me through the next rough patch. It has often been a lonely road, and it has often been a painful road, but I finally found the tool that is so powerful yet available to everyone.

So, my brother recently started a blog and after I read the first entry (even though it was probably like 6 pages long - literally) I cried because I was so moved by his testimony and although we don't talk as often as we used to, to read about his experiences and his passions made me so much more interested and so proud that I have a brother who has been blessed with the opportunity to hopefully inspire others like he has me through his ministry and his giving juxtaposition. One of the main ideas of his blogs and testimonies is the power of love.

I've always been in love with love. A lot of it has to deal with unresolved feelings of unworthiness that I felt growing up. I never felt accepted by my father growing up. No matter how hard I tried, I never felt good enough. A majority of our arguments were because I'd plead with him that he never gave me the affirmation I was searching for, and he'd always list off all of the things he's done to show he loved me. The problem with all of the things he listed - to me - was that the only thing he could list was the things he's paid for or being able to provide the best opportunities that money could afford. It was never that I was ungrateful for the material opportunities I was presented, but the affirmation I needed was never the presents or opportunities. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted it to be proved. I always thought, "if someone took away his wallet, would he be able to express it?" Even when I explained what I needed, he felt content in the fact that he "told me" he loved me, but I once read that"it takes only one 'you're not good enough' to eradicate 100 'I love you's'" and even when I said that, it was met by deaf ears.

So as I got older, I tried to find new ways to convince myself I was good enough. But no matter what I did, the tape that had been set to repeat in my head just continued to play louder than the rest of my thoughts. I tried so many destructive ways to make it go away, but the alcohol and the drugs never took the tape out, it just turned it down until the buzz was gone. Inevitably, the abuse to my body wasn't worth it. I found healthier ways, but every time I found something it became an obsession that consumed me. The tape that once told me 'I wasn't good enough' now told me 'if you do this, you'll be good enough'. I've considered trying to date men, I've lost tons of weight, I took jobs based on their title as opposed to the personal desire, I've sacrificied things deep in my heart I didn't want to, but it was all because I knew that if I just did a little extra, I would be accepted by the one force that I've always placed above myself - acceptance from my family.

But each new obsession would lead me still feeling alone, because regardless of the fleeting feeling of acceptance, I still felt empty. Nothing really changed. No matter what I tried to do, nothing I could do would make those I held closest do what I wanted. After I graduated from Wright State, I fell into a brief depression. I felt so empty and like I no longer had anything that was worth having anyone be proud of me. And if no one was proud of me, I couldn't be proud of me. I just couldn't shake it. Even after I got a job, it still wasn't good enough. Even though my family was "proud" I wa working, I wanted them to be proud because I got a better job. But one day, in the midst of just being stuck, I was able to find the catalyst in the source of a stranger to allow me to see what Lauren has been trying to get me to understand, but what I had been seeking to understand for 24 years.

One night, I went to the ER with Lauren because she chipped her tooth. I was angry she wanted me to go with her: I was so comfortable on the couch watching Saw, couldn't she just suck it up and take a tylenol?! Regardless, I ended up going with her - not because I wanted to, but because I didn't want to hear her complain I didn't go. Anyways, while she was being processed once we got there, I ended up sitting next to a very flamboyant and lively bald man. He had a orthopedic shoe on, so I assumed he was here for that. He was talking to a conservative, country man who didn't seem to interested, and quite frankly, neither was I. Anyways, as soon as I sat down, he did a double take of me and he said "GIRL! You are so fashionable, how long did it take you to get dressed?!" I thought to myself, "dude, you do not even know me. I'm in sweat pants and a dingy work sweater." So I politely said thank you and went back to staring at the back of Lauren's head, waiting for her to get back and save me from this noisy man. Anyways, he and I continued to share small talk when Lauren came back and he found out I was of the persuasion. I told him we were getting married and he went on to give us a lot of great ideas - well, some greater than others - but he told me that "your wedding is about the love, not about everyone else. You want to invite those to your wedding who will be at your funeral. Love is the only thing you'll be buried with." Well, just when I was really getting into it, Lauren was called back. I hugged him and told him "I just want you to know you're amazing, and you have helped me realize what I've been missing in my life. The thirty minutes I've spent with you today will stay with me for the rest of my life." He told me his name - "The name's Ralph Frederick" - and with that I walked out to the car to wait for Lauren. I got to the car and I cried harder than I've cried. I wasn't sad though, I was so happy that, through the randomness of a stranger in the waiting room battling his own medical demons ( he had stage 4 cancer) he was able to inspire me to search within myself for the love and acceptance I had searched so long for.

Here I am now, about three months after this divine intervention, and I can say that I have more love in my heart than I know what to do with. As an adult, I began to mimick my dad's love style thinking that if I showered those I love with "things" they'd understand I was saying "I love you". But there is no amount of things that can ever come close to those three words. And even if there are those you don't love, you should have care in your heart for every human you walk by, because everyone, at any given time, has a struggle that they are fightin every day. You never know how your words can inspire others. Your simple existence sometimes can mean the difference between using your ID to go to the liquor store or using it as a form of ID to enroll in college. What I mean by this, is that sometimes it's the little things we do simply by being our unique selves that has the power to inspire and enrich others. When I realized I could no longer use material things to show the strength of the love I have in my heart, I had to dig deep to figure out I what I could do.

I realized that the best way to give love is in a way that you want to receive. I realized that my struggle was a precursor for how I could utilize my voice- no matter how small it is considering the yells of those less fortunate - is to affirm those with which I contact. If you see someone who is really made up - regardless of whether it matches your personal style or if it's dirty - tell them they look nice. If you see someone looking down when they walk past you, say "hi". Most importantly, whenever I talk to someone and the conversation ends - or even if it never started - just tell someone to "have a good day" because you never know what happened before they crossed your path. Make your path one that has a light, and even if it doesn't point out where others need to go, it can at least offer enough illumination to keep going. With love and hope, impossible is nothing.
(sorry, Derrick. I'm a jock)

Top 25 Things You Didn't Know...or Did Ya

I've been so greatly inspired by my brother's blog, that I decided to copy him again and do this stupid "25 things list":

1. I have really ugly toes and sometimes I put make-up on my feet so that they are viewable by the world.

2. When I have to set a time (alarm clock, microwave, etc.) I will NEVER set it on a number ending with 0 or 5. If it happens by accident, I get very anxious and have to re-set it.

3. Even though I hate numbers thats end in 0 or 5, I always use"65" as my generic, overdramatic number when I'm describing things. (e.g. I had like 65 skittles)

4. I would rather listen to old school, motown music than the shiggity that's on the radio these days. Music has totally gone down hill and there's something about the soul and spirit of the music from that era that feels so much more real and authentic.

5. When I was in the 8th grade, I had to make the choice to play basketball or softball, and I chose basketball, and I often regretted it.

6. I still miss my childhood dog BoBo, he was my first best friend and I always wonder if he still looks down on me.

7. I secretly love to pop zits, and I actually found a partner who loves popping them as much as I do! (yakk)

8. Whenever I feel myself transforming, I always change my hair - whether it's with dye or a cut or weave. My hair is definitive of my mood.

9. I sometimes wish I had had an older brother or sister. Being the oldest can be very lonely.

10. I also wished my parents wouldn't have waited so long to get a divorce.

11. In high school, I was the stinky kid and to this day I'm still embarassed by it! (I probably shouldn't admit that)

12. I've never dated anyone from the suburbs because the suburbs have always felt phony.

13. I am very impulsive, and I often do things at the spur of the moment without thinking (or caring) about the consequences.

14. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. The more you call me, the less likely I'll be to call you back.

15. I also loathe vegetables. The only way I'll eat peas is if I drink them like medicine.

16. Of the fruit-flavored things I like, I don't like the actual fruit (i.e. Strawberry, Melon). On the contrary, of the actual fruit I like, I don't like the fruit flavored things. (i.e. Watermelon, banana, apple, grape)

17. My biggest fear in life is that my brothers won't be proud of me. They mean more to me than anything and I'd do anything for them.

18. When I eat, I always ALWAYS finish my plate because when me and my brothers were little we'd get in trouble if we didn't finish our food.

19. I'm very smart, but I'm very scatterbrained and it often diminishes my ability to showcase my strengths. I lose stuff very easily and then I don't know where it is.

20. When I laugh, I pee a little. (=

21. My best friend Amie and I are complete opposites, and I have no idea how we get along, but we understand each other and we suppport each other and she's never not been by myside and I'm so grateful for that.

22. I have grown to appreciate my parents more and more each day. When I was younger, I wished I could've been adopted but now I don't know what I'd do without them.

23. In the 6th grade, I cried because I had such a huge crush on my neighbor Jared that I refused to move away from him.

24. When I was younger, I used to always get made fun of because I talked "white", so I refused to talk when I went to Maryland or black parts because I didn't want to get embarassed.

25. In fact, I resented black people because my mom's family always looked at me like I was a snob and I was always afraid of being judged because of my upbring.



Well, I hope you enjoyed my fun little list!

Re-Intro to the Blogosphere

So, this isn't my first blog, but I'm in a completely different place then I was when I had the other one and I didn't necessarily want to erase it, but I wanted a fresh start and what better way to do that than with a new page!

First and foremost, I'm going to try to introduce myself. My name's Denita. I don't necessarily like my name, but that's the one my parents gave me so I'm stuck with it. I have two amazing parents named Dennis and Denise. We haven't always seen eye-to-eye but they've always supported me and loved me unconditionally. I also have twin brothers Desmond and Derrick who I love so much. Desmond is in the army and I haven't seen him in a few months, but a day doesn't go by where I'm not thinking about what he's doing at this very moment. Derrick is my right hand, me and him always would joke we were the real twins because we are so alike and he is fun and carefree. I love my brothers more than anything and I hate how now that we're older, it's almost like they've outgrown me, but I know that they too have their own paths to go on, I just want to be a passenger for the ride! Anyways, now more than ever my family means the world to me. Despite all the drama, the tears, the crying, the anger, and all the BS that we've been through, I still love them and they each have helped me grow into who I am today. Moreso, they've forgiven me for what I put them through while I took my jagged path to self-righteousness.

As I grew up and started dating, I knew something didn't feel right when I was with a man, but I didn't care as long as they validated me and made me feel important. My biggest issue growing up was the feeling of not being "good enough". I dated TONS of guys and it all was so meaningless, because that's what you're supposed to do, but to me, it felt inauthentic. The first time I ever thought of a female in a not so friendly way is when my parents went out of town and had me stay at a friend's house. They gave me the option to stay somewhere else, but I wanted to stay at this house. I don't know what it was about this girl, but she gave me a butterfly that I'd never felt before. It was different, but it felt right. As I struggled to find my identity and figure out the truth behind my childish eyes, it was in high school that I realized what that squirmish feeling was. When I played basketball we had a manager named Destiny who I thought was so cool. She had just moved into town and I was intrigued by everything about her. Well one day, she needed a ride to basketball practice and I told her I'd come and get her but when I left the house I keot driving around the block because I didn't want to come over too early because that would seem obvious. I also didn't want to come too late because I didn't want her to think I didn't care. That's when I realized, wait a minute, why do I care so much; I'm just giving her a ride?!" That's when I realized that the feeling I had was not fleeting. I had a romantic interest in women. I was so ashamed and confused and excited that I didn't know what to do about it. When I finally came out to my family it was a very rough time. My parents were already experiencing marital problems, my brothers were graduating from college and trying to figure out their lives and I had become the hot mess of the family. There was so much confusion, so much going on that in the midst of everything I was still trying to get the validation I was searching for.

Well - NOW TO THE POINT OF THIS STORY- I have transformed into a beautiful 24 year old Diva. Now, I'm able to look at my life and my experiences and grow from the lessons that each circumstance has taught me. I have an amazing partner. She sees in me things I never knew were there. She teaches me to treat others the way you want to be treated. She has helped me become more accountable for my actions and able to stand up if I need to. When we first started dating, our relationship was roc-ky. With both of us on our substances we were no good for each other. She and I got into these ugly, bloody, painful fights only because we were trying to be together but we had too many demons to fight. Well, slowly but surely, me and Lauren have risen from the Ashes. I've seen low. and I've seen low. Lauren will always support me and always believe in my dreams. Ever since I've been with Lauren I have been able to find what true love is. She has taught me so much about forgiveness, freedom, and happiness. I feel like with her I can achieve anything I put my mind to. When you find that person that completes you, you know. And Lauren is the other half of my puzzle. She understands me even when I don't understand myself and she's so patient and that's why I love her.

Sometimes I'd get so angry because I just couldn't get people to understand me or to listen to me. I've learned so much about people and the people with whom we interact each day. I don't judge people based on their socioeconomic backgrounds and I don't consider myself the keeper or deliverer of justice and punishment. Instead, I've learned that no punishment I could ever hand down is even close to what is waiting for those who've done wrong when they meet Their Maker. Although some people won't "get it" on Earth, they will be delivered no mercy in their afterlife. In the meantime, as a human being living among other humans, I have learned to listen to everyone's story. Each person's life has been a feature film, and the things they've experienced have slowly made them the people they are today. Now, I try to appreciate people for their differences, but more for their dreams. Everyone has some innate desire to be something great. It may not be the same for everyone, but every one has dreams and desires. Without those desires, we would only exist. But we are constantly striving to be what we want and some are just more blessed than others to have the means to do so. In the mean time, we also need love and support to help us when all else has been lost. If it weren't for the people around me, I would not have made it through many of the difficult circumstances I've found myself in.

Despite the trials and tribulations I've found myself faced with, I've continued to rise above the pain and fly breezily above the pain of yesterday. All I can do now is look forward to the future because the years just continue to get better.